The big day is here. C + I rip up to Ciro Marina from Tronca, early morning Friday, with our private driver. We’re booked for a single night in a B+B, and it could all be a bit rushed, but we aren’t due at the wedding until 5pm, and it’s only an hour drive, so we should be safe enough.
Ciro Marina is, as the name implies, another coastal city, but it’s a bit more populated than Tronca was. The marina itself isn’t gigantic, but it’s a decent size, docking somewhere in the range of 20 to 50 nice looking boats.
After a light lunch, and plenty of time to kill, C and I settle down with the chessboard outside a little gelato shop and start messing around a bit (she’s hooked on the game). I’ve been doing a combination of playing seriously against her, as well as teaching her some opening concepts / traps (Fried Liver Attack!).
I notice the ice cream shop owner (Ice Cream Man) is watching our game fairly intently from the side, and I invite him to play a game against C. He’s super happy to jump in, and I play the role of the nervous coach, pretending not to watch too intently from the side or let my face give away any clues, while secretly hoping C destroys him.
He’s not particularly good, but it’s C’s first live over the board game against anyone who isn’t me, and she’s definitely super shy / nervous. She capitalizes on a few of his mistakes, but she makes a few bigger ones, a bit too big to survive, even at their relatively novice level, and Ice Cream Man takes the W. Tragic.
He asks to play me a follow up game, and I quickly wipe him off the board. Someone had to redeem C’s honor. We chat a bit with Ice Cream Man, while I sip a few beers and C munches on something sweet, and kill the extra hour or two we have before the wedding. We promise to come back for more games soon, and then roll back to the B+B to get dressed up.
I clean up pretty well when I have to, and I daresay K-dawg’s suit looks sharp on me, though the pants are a little tight round my gigantic hockey ass. C’s also fairly easy on the eyes in her summer dress and heels.
The Italian boys from Albania have just gotten in last night from Milan to a different neighboring town, and are a little hungover, but sans the bachelor, are more than happy to scoop us up and gift us a lift to the wedding venue. The kids are absolute beauties. We nip back to their hotel to pick up their plus-ones, and then rip to wedding venue in two cars.
And what a venue it is. The wedding itself is taking place several miles inland on some gorgeous farmland. Ancient Italian stone buildings meet with a beautiful expanse of crops (olive trees and grape vines are prominent) spread out over low lying hills that seem to roll forever into the distance.
Small meet and greet, where I get to catch up with some of the lads, but priority number one is the ceremony, which kicks off almost right away. Some music, some churchy songs, and a long winded speech by the minister (it seemed beautiful, but of course, it was in Italian, so I was mostly guessing what was being said based on the context). It’s possible I tear up a bit. I resist the urge to pelt Danvinci and Wifey with the ceremonial rice as they walk down the aisle, and chuck it at some of the boys instead. Seems like a safer bet.
Just like that, the beautiful couple are officially locked in as life partners. I feel a little out of place, but it’s actually super cool to be invited to be a part of something this momentous, and I’m looking forward to the festivities with the boys + C.
Tons of people have heard about me and are interested in meeting me (degenerate, Asian, Canadian who just got invited last minute), and we start to put down some prosecco as we make our rounds.
The boys and their plus ones have great energy, and we also meet this South American woman around our age, Isabella, who speaks perfect English and is definitely looking to get rowdy.
More prosecco and mingling give way to the first dinner service. I mean, it could have easily been the only dinner service, one of the most ridiculously large buffets I’ve ever been a part of. Steak, burgers, pasta, seafood, cheese, salads, and a bunch of shit I can’t identify. There’s way too much food.
Collectively as a group we stuff our faces, and we don’t even make a dent in the offerings available. I assumed this WAS dinner, but after an hour or so of this (which includes a bunch of red and white wine), we’re ushered off to another section, a stone courtyard, where the official dinner tables are set and waiting for us. Apparently now, we chase down the food and wine, with more food, and more wine.
We’re sat at a table with Isabella and her BF, plus The Sheik from the original crew (sans a plus one) and a few others. Three course meal follows, interrupted between every course by dancing, games, and general festivities. Conga line, groomsman throwdown, giant dance circles, you name it, it’s a hell of a time.
Slight dampener in that C isn’t feeling well around 11 or midnight. She seems pretty intent on walking back to the BnB on her own, which is not something I’m going to allow, for safety reasons… the walk is at least 45 mins and it’s well after sunset. I manage to recruit one of the boys to ferry us back for a quick 10 minute ride, drop off C with a kiss, and then roll back to continue sending with the lads for the one proper night we’ll have together.
Everyone’s fucking trashed and exuberant, it’s glorious. More dancing. Isabella is getting a little bit handsy, trying to pull me onto the dance floor with her… maybe a bit overly so. I end up shutting it down quickly but politely, no hard feelings there at all. Probably not badly intentioned, but was a bit weird considering we both rolled in with plus ones.
Party has moved poolside where dessert is served, and I make sure to stash some to bring back to C who has a crazy sweet tooth. A final ceremony where the newly married couple stands with a bunch of towering sparklers shooting fire into the night sky behind them, followed up by more drinks and dancing late into the night, but before you know it, it’s over, and we’re on on our way back to the BnB.
Part ways with the lads, with a quick discussion about some brunch plans the next day, and I tuck C in (she scarfs down the dessert I’ve brought back for her) before we drift off to sleep.
Beautiful ceremony, and I’m truly honored to have been a part of it all. Way more fun with C in tow, would have been a disaster being stranded by myself out there. Most of the lads are up in Milan for work; I’ll have to make sure that I pop by and visit at some point in the future. They’re also definitely invited to my future wedding; the Italians really know how to do it right, and these lads are awesome.
So here C + I are in the renowned Italian “city” of Tronca. Journey’s been hectic, but we’ve arrived in one piece. AirBnB is nothing special, it’s clean, spacious, and the internet works as advertised. Chalk that one up in the win column.
AirBnB host is quite responsive via What’s App, and recommends us a restaurant a few blocks away. Also mentions that he’ll call in ahead and inform them that we are coming, which is a little strange. But we’re famished from the journey, and I’m ready to try my first Italian pizza after the whole hamburger mishap this morning (which seems like a lifetime ago).
Step out our front door near sunset and take in our surroundings properly. To our right, a hundred feet out, is the highway we came in on, followed by a slow gentle incline of rolling, grassy hills. Long stretches of clouds, illuminated a cotton candy pink by the suns remaining rays, drift lazily across a still bright-blue sky. Plus, a bunch of electrical towers, phone poles, and wires, beautiful stuff really.
In front of us, there’s a chain fence separating us from tall grass and a bunch of stubborn little shrubs / trees that look like they came off the set of Gladiator. Maybe olive trees if I had to hazard a guess, but most likely some sort of random flora that’s been struggling to survive neglected in nature for decades. We also get a decent view of the buildings beyond, which are cookie cutter apartment blocks, each with the exact same color palette applied, white paint with a rustic red roofing.
To our left is the main, double lane roadway that runs through the town, and just a few steps past that, the soft, sandy beach (well, mostly soft and sandy, complemented by patches of small rocks just big enough to hurt your feet if you step on one just the right way) against the deep blue of the Ionian sea.
Don’t worry, no more lengthy environmental descriptions, because that pretty much describes the entire area we’ll be in for the next four days.
We rip over to the restaurant, about a five minute walk, and roll in like we own the place. Turns out, we sort of do own the place; there are zero other customers in the entire restaurant.The four or five staff on hand look a little confused about us popping in, and speak little to no English, but we managed to gesture our way to an outdoor table on the beachside.
The sea looks glorious in the sun’s dying rays, but as the sun goes, the sand flies emerge. For some fuckin’ reason, mosquitoes and flies just love me; I’m pretty sure I get bitten about forty times over dinner, while C escapes completely unscathed.
Pizza and a seaside beerski is on the menu, and maybe my expectations are a bit high, because the pizza is decidedly average. The crust is light and fluffy where it’s cooked properly, but it’s burnt in a half dozen places, and the toppings don’t seem particularly fresh. Maybe that’s why the restaurant is empty. But hey, company is good, and the view is nice.
It’s dark by the time we wrap up, and I’m too lazy to complain about the 2.50 extra we’re charged for “outdoor gazebo” seating. I will bitch about it to you though; the audacity of these motherfuckers. Literally zero customers also looking to sit outside, get the fuck outta here. Sorry your waiter had to walk an extra six steps. Might as well charge me per sandfly bite while you’re at it.
But to be honest, I’m just happy to be here. I’m excited for the wedding, and ecstatic that C finally decided to come last minute even if she may be partiallllllly to blame for our botched travel plans. We enjoy the stroll back to our place and get cozy for the night.
Wake up the next morning and lazily start planning our day. We decide to get errands out of the way first, and hit the beach afterwards. Almost like we’re responsible adults.
We kick off with a short stroll down the town road, looking to pick up some groceries. C loves my cooking, and it’s a lot more fun cooking for two than it is for one. Google maps has a bunch of local markets a block or two away, but each and every single one of them is shuttered up. Windows are dusty, and it looks like they’ve been closed for years.
Tronca is starting to look suspiciously like a ghost town. We haven’t seen a single person so far other than the restaurant staff and the guy who dropped us off; it’s more than a little bit unnerving. Reminiscent of Leo and his wife’s dream world in Inception, where they have an entire world all to themselves.
We hear the crunch of rubber on dirt and gravel, and step off the road out of the way, but the silver truck pulls up to a stop right next to us, and a large man rolls the window down.
His English isn’t great, but we manage to explain to him that we are trying to find a grocery store or a restaurant. He tells us that there’s only one in town right now, and that most of the village is empty until beach season starts and on weekends. Offers to give us a lift to the only open grocery store a kilometer or two down the road. Two hitch hikes in two days seems a little risky, but the man seems friendly enough and we hop in without much reservation.
We’re dropped off without issues, grab our stuff, and make the trek back to our place. After throwing some lunch together (I kick us off with a greek salad and some carbonara), we grab our towels, and hit the beach.
What a beach it is. Maybe it’s not the pearly white soft sand of Tulum, when you find the right spot, the grains are fine enough that you don’t really notice the difference. C’s rocking a turquoise bikini that looks pretty great on her, we have a couple of Corona’s in play, and to top it all off, there’s not a single soul within sight. Beach is entirely ours.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that first day. Just two people smiling and rekindling, stresses of the day before and the past years evaporating as we bask in the sun and each other’s presence. A hot day but not unbearably so, relaxing in the sand together, taking short dips in the cleansing salt water whenever we feel like cooling down a bit. Some conversation, some chess, and a deep sense of peace and calm that I haven’t felt in years. I think I needed this one; might have just been a perfect day.
It’s still not a total vacation. I do end up putting in a few hours of streaming. But all responsibilities are tasks, that, for the most part, I enjoy. I work the hours I feel like working, cooking for someone I care about never been a chore, and it’s just excellent company in a zero stress environment.
This routine carries us through the entire week. Stroll to the grocery store, marvel at all the options available, pick out whatever we feel like eating that night (although for lemons, we were having fun just picking them off the bountiful lemon trees kicking around literally everywhere), whip up some lunch, hit the beach, munch some dinner, hang out, and stream.
I did propose a little hike up the big hill across the highway, but we ended up opting to stick to a lazy, peaceful routine. Not like it would have been an incredible view anyways. I’m sure eventually the routine and lack of other people to interact with could get boring, but for a lad raised in Calgary, beaches and the sea are something I haven’t seen nearly enough of, and with C, it really feels like sometimes happiness isn’t that hard to find; you just have to take a few risks, be open to new friendships, and actively seek it out.
Alrighty, so we’re finally off to Italy! After some hemming and hawing, C has agreed to accompany me to Italy to be my plus one for this joyous matrimony between my dear, longtime, friend Davinci, and his lovely wife, ummm, wifey. Yep, totally know her name at this point. Our rich and storied friendship, which consists of getting fucked up with his boys two nights in Albania, is sure to endear me to all of the bride’s side of the family.
The wedding is on Saturday, near the cozy eastern seaside town where Davinci grew up in, Ciro Marina. CHIRO, Maaaareeeeena. Really fun to say the town name, it just rolls off the tongue in a pleasing way. But we aren’t there yet, it’s only Tuesday. Since I’ve never been to Italy, I decide early on that it would make the most sense to try and spend at least a week there. The whole planning process is a is bit of a mess.
C, who has onboarded herself rather late, has certain accommodation standards, and has taken it on herself to organize the Airbnb and train tickets. In exchange, I am handling wedding gifts for both of us, plus food and drink for the week. However, there are a few hiccups right off the bat.
For starters, we are struggling to find a ton of places that seem reasonably priced in Ciro Marina. Additionally, I 100% need to have a good internet connection so that I can continue streaming / coaching throughout the week so I don’t go broke. As a kicker, there are no direct flights into Ciro Marina; the nearest airports are in Lamezia Terme or Crotone. Have you heard of any of these famous locales? Me neither.
Seaside towns are notorious for having dog shit internet connections, and for some fucking reason, a lot of Airbnb / Booking.com hosts refuse to post explicit details on their download / upload speeds. So there’s a lot of back and forth between myself, C, and various hosts, trying to get these luddites to run an internet speed test. Plus an additional back and forth between C and I as we tried to find a compromise between a guaranteed internet connection and her standards.
In case you were unaware, I absolutely detest planning. I don’t amble around aimlessly, I walk with intent to a destination. I don’t browse around in a store. If I’m in one, it’s because I know exactly what I want, I go in, I buy it, and I get the fuck outta there. It’s not the initial organizing part of planning that bothers me, but the inevitable tedious feedback loop that follows as soon as there’s any additional input involved. Maybe I need to take a meditation class or some hippy bullshit. I have infinite patience in some ways, but in others, I have an incredibly short fuse.
So in the end, it makes a lot more sense to just give my single requirement of fast internet to C, and then let her handle that. Or at least, it should have. She picks a spot on Airbnb, but her card doesn’t work, and instead of checking the booking, I end up just shipping her my credit card info to throw down for the place. Without double checking what she’s booked. Like a god damn fool.
We end up with a nice place in a “neighboring” town on the east coast called Tronca for the first six days, 2 flights into Lamezia Terme on the west coast from Paris and Tirana, 2 flights back to our respective cities from the same airport at the end of the week, one night in LT before our flights out, and train tickets between LT and Tronca. Surely, there won’t be any issues getting to the actual wedding destination. Surely, there will be Ubers, cabs, or car rental and we’ll be able to hop around as we please. Surely.
But hey, we have a really nice romantic getaway planned in Italy. The C saga continues! We’re going to a random Italian wedding with some cool new friends, and we’re going to get to spend a bunch of time beachside, together. Planning has been a shitshow, but excitement is running high.
I take a lift to Tirana airport with Big Will, and we roll up in record time. He’s swerving back and forth like a maniac, we’re both hacking darts inside the cab, and the music is pumping. Dude’s just an absolute beauty.
As an added bonus, K-dawg and Bobo are both at the airport the same time as me. They are flying out to Japan for a couple of weeks, and our flights are only an hour apart. So instead of my traditional solo airport lager, we are able to grab a morning drink together and have a little chitchat over a smoke or two before they have to hop on their plane.
My flight takes off soon after without issues. I’m in an emergency row, so I can stretch my legs out and have a chuckle over the fact my one way flight cost me all of 37 Euros. Man, travelling in Europe is crazy. (As an aside: I didn’t exactly roll to Europe with a suit, but K-dawg is an absolutely beauty and has hooked me up with a couple of pieces from his personal collection. I’ll be looking sharp at this thing!)
Touch down and breeze through security like I’m an Italian national. Canadian passport strikes again! Couple of drug sniffing dogs give me a once over, but I’m clean as a whistle baby. Now I’m chilling in the terminal and have two hours to kill until C lands in from Paris. The town itself isn’t that far from the terminal, and I’m feeling pretty peckish, so I figure it can’t hurt to go grab some pizza in Italy and see what the hype is all about.
It’s nine in the morning and there aren’t a ton of options available on Google Maps, but I do find a restaurant about a 5 minute drive into town. So I flag down a cabby, hop in, show him the restaurant on google maps, and tell him that I’m going to grab some pizza. He doesn’t speak a lick of English, but I figure the Google Map location I show him on my phone leaves no room for error. Turns out, once again, I’m dead wrong.
We have taken a few overpasses to get from the terminal to the restaurant, and all seems good, until all of a sudden, we make a right when the map wants us to go left. I’m telling him in a pretty calm voice that he’s going the wrong way, and that I’m trying to go to the restaurant on the map, to get some pizza. He repeats loudly, “pizza, yes, pizza”, and continues driving the wrong fucking way.
I’m starting to get pretty damn frustrated at this point. I raise my voice, and am frantically gesturing at the phone, repeating, “restaurant. pizza. We’re going the wrong way!”. We’re already on a one way highway that’s headed completely the wrong direction towards the south somewhere. I zoom out on google maps, and finally realize what’s happening… there’s literally a town 30 miles to the south called “Piazza”. Pronounced “Pizza” obviously. For fuck sakes.
The driver can tell at this point that he’s doing something wrong, based on how agitated I am. It finally dawns on him that maybe, I want to eat pizza, at the restaurant, in town, at the location I have marked on my GPS in front of his face, while miming myself eating a pizza. But it’s too late. This is literally a one way highway that goes all the way south to the town of Piazza, with zero turnoffs, and a metal railing separating us from the road back. This is going to be at least an hour long detour. There’s not much that can be done at this point; he’s still running the meter, but I tell him that he’s not getting more than 20 Euros, not that he understands a damn thing. Probably for the best or else he’d probably try to drop me off in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.
The drive south is scenic at least, but I’m a little too steamed up to really enjoy it at first. We both calm down about five mins into the drive, trauma bonded by our shared taxi prison and this hour long waste of both of our times, and he hands me a mint as a peace offering. I apologize for getting heated, and I think he understands, solely based on my conciliatory tone. We settle into the rest of the drive, and he finally gets me to the destination five minutes away from the terminal, an hour later. Here’s your 20 bucks, now fuck off.
Lamezia Terme isn’t particularly pretty. Ghost town with a few scattered old people, rusty orange / red dirt color and buildings that look like they are slowly falling apart. Including the restaurant. I get the impression that it’s an aging community / a flight hub at best, and there’s not a lot of new blood coming through.
I’m still excited to try an Italian pizza though. So I’m more than a little bit miffed when I try to order one and they tell me they won’t fire up the pizza ovens for another 3 hours. I swear to god, Europeans are more allergic to work than I am. Basically nothing on the menu is available, so for the first meal I’ve ever had in Italy, I order… a hamburger.
A fucking hamburger. In Italy. Ridiculous, but one of about three lunch items that were available. Of course, it’s Italy, so they have no idea what a hamburger is. There’s no bun, there’s no lettuce, there’s no ketchup, there’s no cheese. I literally receive a plate with a single beef patty, a slice of tomato, and some fries. No condiments at all in fact. “Ohhhh, but Brando, it’s a deconstructed hamburger, the condiments would just detract from the authentic flavors”. Shut the fuck up and give me my ketchup.
Anyways, C pulls up, we slam a coffee, and make our way to the train station. We get our ID’s checked by some cops on the way, probably haven’t seen an Asian in town since WW2. We are a healthy 4-5 hours ahead of our train, and figure we have more than enough time to pop over to the beach on the west side of town. She’s fairly insistent that we hop on a bus, but I have my doubts about public transportation here, and end the argument by just whipping my phone out and grabbing us an Uber.
The beach is about a twenty minute drive out west. A nice, rocky beach. Small rocks, so not super painful on the feet, but not exactly the pristine white sand of Tulum. But to be fair, the view is pretty beautiful. And hey, we have each other.
Throw down our towels on the rocks, cuddle and embrace a bit. I throw on my swim drunks and hop in for a dip, while C sets up the chessboard and tries to entice me into another game. She really is hooked on chess, it’s great. Altogether, a pretty nice time.
But we don’t have a whole lot of time. We def aren’t missing our train. So we pack up with about 2h to spare, and roll back to the main junction where the road links up with a small forest area adjacent to the beach.
Check my phone, and I’m at 2% battery. Uh oh. It turns out that if my laptop isn’t plugged in, it doesn’t charge my phone. I’ve put out an Uber request, but we’ve seen maybe four people out here the entire hour and a half we chilled on the beach, and the Uber ride search is coming up completely dry.
I’m suggesting to C that she install Uber on her phone, and that we start walking back more towards civilization at the same time as we try to order one so we hedge our bets. But despite being only a twenty minute drive back to the train station, the entire journey is essentially highway; walking back MIGHT get us back in 2h. I just figure that if we start walking closer we’re more likely to get one of the 2 Uber drivers in the whole town to pick us up.
But C “doesn’t have enough data” to install Uber. Which may or may not be true. I’m casting some doubt here, because if you recall, we’re only an hour or two out from a disagreement about taking Uber or bus to get to the beach. We may also both have a bit of a stubborn streak. Hmmmm, interesting coincidence that what she wants to do is roll over to this “bus station” and take a bus back. And that there’s no way she can acquire enough data to install Uber. I’m still trying to charge my phone via laptop on a picnic table, but before I can plead my case any further, she’s off and walking away from the main road down a dirt path. Towards this “bus station”.
Well, fuck me boys. I guess that’s the end of the discussion. We walk twenty minutes down a dirt path with stress levels through the roof, take a left onto a super quiet street, and are now in an abandoned neighborhood with some decrepit houses on the one side, and a field on the other side between the road and yet another highway. We arrive at the “bus station” which is literally a gravel square cut out of the adjacent field with a faded sign that’s illegible.
My phone is now dead, and we have an hour and a half to get back to the train station, or we’re going to be stranded in this town for at least another day. Plan going swimmingly so far. I ask her to at least try to hook onto one of the houses wifi connections, but they are all secured. It’s not like she can admit now that she can add more data so we can try to cover all our options and put out an Uber request. So, we’re fucked basically.
No easy access to the houses either, no visible paths to the front doors, and it’s a long shot anyone is home right now anyways. Don’t really want to be hopping fences in the Italian countryside, I have a feeling all small towns in the world are all sort of the same. They probably don’t take kindly to outsiders, and with a massive language barrier, the last thing I want to do is get attacked by some kind of Italian redneck who thinks an obvious foreigner is attempting a break and enter. We could walk, but we have all our luggage, and there’s no way we’re going to make it to the train station in time.
I’m still trying to charge my stupid phone with my laptop, and then, out of nowhere, a car rolls up onto our abandoned road. Female driver, about 40 years old. C makes the approach, asks if there’s a bus coming. No bus. Maybe there never was a bus. Never saw that one coming. C asks if we can borrow her phone. Nope. Female driver clearly looking to get out of here, basically rolls up her window and fucks right off. Friendly.
Ok, part of it is clearly the language barrier. But still, come on. Take a look at me. I obviously don’t belong here, we’re lost tourists, a little help would be great. I’ve basically come to terms with the fact we’re going to miss the train at this point. I’m more or less ready to just start walking; it’s going to be a miserable walk, but there’s not much else to do but suck it up.
Miracle of miracles, a second car shows up. In the middle of nowhere, a second car. Husband and wife this time. Also in their forties. C flags them down once again (she’s petite and sweet looking, not to mention white and female, definitely the play here). They speak a tiny bit more English than the first driver, realize that we are completely fucked, and offer to lift us back into town. There is a god! Or at least, nice people still exist.
We pile our stuff in with us into the backseat of their car, and hitchhike back into town with the couple. It’s going to be tight, but it looks like we’re going to make it. They drop us off a few blocks from the train station, and I offer them twenty euros, but they just smile and wave it off. “Have a nice trip, get the fuck outta our car”. But for real, those guys were a lifesaver, this could have been a wholeeee different trip if the day 1 fiasco went just a little bit differently.
We rush into the train station, manage to figure out the platform we need to be on, board the train, transfer halfway along the journey to a bus, and make it to a bus station just south of Tronca. We’ve reached out to our AirBnB host, and he’s arranged for his buddy to pick us up and drive us to the apartment. Ride goes smoothly for 10 Euros, and we make it there without any further hiccups.
C and I could have been a little bit more salty with each other, but neither of us holds a grudge long, and the second we made it onto the train, I think the overwhelming feeling on both sides was relief. Crisis averted, time to enjoy Italy!
Week 2 is fairly uneventful in terms of crazy sends. This is largely in part due to some of the worst canker sores I’ve ever gotten in my whole life appearing along the side of my tongue. We’re not talking normal ones, we’re talking humongous pits of flesh chunked out of the tongue, with mountainous blisters so painful it’s not possible to eat, talk, drink, smoke… basically these fucking things deny all pleasure in life and you just want to die.
It actually blows my mind that modern medicine hasn’t found a cure for this shit yet, you’d make a god damn fortune. Come on bio nerds, get er fuckin’ done! So no ambitions for sends, eating out, socializing, or anything really.
Cash is starting to get a little tight. Not alarmingly tight, but definitely tight to the point that I decide I need to get my shit together a bit and figure out how I’m going to make this trip work. I really only planned two revenue streams while I was abroad; low stakes Pot Limit Omaha poker online, which is a massive grind, and streaming chess on Kick, which to this point, is also a massive grind. Grind is an understatement; realistically, I’m probably making about 10 bucks an hour tops with both up until this point. I do also have a couple of students for chess lessons, but at this point it’s really just a couple, and it’s nowhere close to consistent enough to support myself, even though the hourly is a lot better.
But hey, this is the price you pay to throw off the corporate shackles, and I have a bunch of friends who have found success with both. Kick has a much lower population than Twitch, and I’ve been fucking inchinggggg my way towards 1k followers, which will allow me to apply for the chess.com partner streaming program.
I’ve also been timing my streams strategically. GM Hikaru Nakamura streams once in a while on Kick, and one of his mods has taken a liking to me; I’m the lucky recipient of raids, as long as I’m streaming when he ends. It probably helps there aren’t many other chess streamers on Kick for them to send the raids to.
For context, a raid means sending all of your current viewers over to another channel that is streaming at the same time you want to end. Naka will typically have 2-8k people watching him. The goal is to get into the Kick incentive program, where they start paying you out themselves based on chat engagement (as opposed to relying purely on subscriptions and donations), and getting into this program could really make a difference to my bottom line.
The most difficult requirement to being eligible for the program, is to maintain an average viewer count of 75 or higher. By trying to only stream at popular hours, and limiting the frequency that I stream to primarily when Naka is about halfway done his own streams, I’ve been able to catch enough raids that I’m super close to hitting this average.
Naka generally streams Titled Tuesday, a chess.com event, on Kick, and I’m sitting at a count of around 66 average viewers; if I can get my shit together, and put together entertaining enough content that his viewers don’t mind they’re swapping from a top-5 player in the world to some 2500 chess.com rated bum chugging beers, then I have a very realistic chance of spiking over the required average, and becoming eligible to apply for the program.
Plan’s been in motion for the last month, the table is set, and it’s go time. I make sure I have beers stocked up, ping outside of my Discord channel on all my socials, for the first time ever, to let the gang know I could use a few extra eyeballs on my channel to help push me over the top… and then it’s time to throw on the character. Brando The Bully going live!
Maybe character is the wrong word. Blazing fast chess moves, crazy sacrifices that are doomed to fail a lot of the time, but can sometimes result in brilliant, sexy games. Shit talking opponents and chat alike in an exaggerated hockey accent, putting beers down like I’m back in my university days.
It’s spunky, it’s always fun to chirp and say dumb shit, and there’s a warmth and charisma I share with the friendships and community I’ve built up over the last couple of years. Primarily only one facet of me, and perhaps a bit of a caricature, but still, a lot of the “real” me in there for people to love, hate, or try to get piss drunk by throwing their dollars at me. Dance monkey, dance! It still tickles me to this day that people can make a living doing this.
But at the same time, maybe it’s not that strange. I spent a lot of time over at the Chessbrah house back when they were in Montreal and just getting started on their insanely successful chess streaming journey. But I was much more into the live events than anything online; chilling out, playing speed chess, and drinking with the boys. I didn’t really get into the online side until COVID and the 8pm curfews hit, and there was really fuck all else to do.
Then all of a sudden, I found myself hanging out in their Discord, making friends with people I’d never met online, splintering off into our own subgroups. We’d run crosswords, trivia, Jackbox… fuck, we were even solving online jigsaw puzzles together. Anything to do just to pass the time. We’d also watch the Chessbrah stream a bunch together, actively participate in chat, discuss who we liked, didn’t like, who was crazy, relevant drama…
Got to the point where some of these people became real friends. Couple of romantic relationships even formed. During COVID curfew lifts, I entertained a group of online friends live at a Toronto Airbnb, where one got drunk for the first time in his life and fell into the toilet, smashing both his head and the porcelain bowl. First and only AirBnB I’ve ever been able to rent.
Streamed a bit on Twitch myself, just to try it out, before eventually getting banned for getting blackout drunk one night on stream and forgetting that you can’t call an annoying buddy a “retarded faggot” in front of an online audience without severe consequences (lmao, who would have guessed). Something about playing games online really brings back those Halo 2 Xbox live days where people were just saying the nastiest things to each other, but cancel culture didn’t exist yet. Definitely need to be careful about that type of language… I do think the world has gotten a bit soft, but I don’t have any desire to be ignorant or hurtful to minorities either. That’s not the public face I really want to have, and there are plenty of ways to insult a buddy that are a bit more creative vocabulary-wise.
But the point of all of this, is that the streaming subculture really isn’t about the actual activity being streamed. It’s not even about the “star” of the show either (though it often can be, creeping into some fairly gross parasocial relationships that exist between streamers and viewers). To me, it’s about the community you build, the online family, the cast of characters, that get together and enjoy each others company. The friendships that are built. The socializing. Having drinks together in a discord call, shooting the shit about wives and families. It’s an online bar, social club, a place where people can kick their boots off, let their guard down, meet new people, and hang with the old ones.
Kind of ironic that the dude “indefinitely suspended for violent hate speech” (ok, comeeeee the fuck onnnn, that’s a stretch and a half, peak cancel culture) is talking about building a safe space to chill and be yourself online. But it really is that. Of course members in the community are going to be diverse; some will drop in for a few hours here and there to shoot the shit and see what’s going on amidst their busy lives full of friends and activities. For others, for whatever reason, these little communities might be close to their entire social lives. And that’s ok. Sometimes it’s easier to make friends online, to have some semblance of control over the pieces of yourself you reveal the world, to let your guard down one step at a time, carefully, because you’ve been burned so much by other people in the real world. And use it as a road to building trust and confidence so that you can be successful in forming real life relationships and friendships again one day.
I’ve thought long and hard about if streaming can actually be good for the people involved in it. I think a lot of the problems develop when a streamer gets so big that it becomes a tremendous effort to actively be a part of the community. You can manage a few hundred, or even a few thousand relationships, as long as you put the time and effort in. But when you get to say, fifty or a hundred or two hundred thousand people who can tune in, it must be fucking impossible to actively maintain any semblance of real friendships with the masses.
At that point, the streamer attains an almost demi-god status, and the parasocial / narcissist issues start creeping in. I’d like to think I won’t ever be like that… but it’s also a foreign / crazy concept to me ever becoming a streamer that big. Maybe if I was a 9/10 Russian bombshell with a giant rack, a 2600 FIDE, and about twice the charisma. But that sounds like a future problem not worth worrying about, because if it ever rolls around, then I guess I’ll have made it. See you all on my fuckin’ yacht!
Anyways, ramble on streaming in general aside. We catch the Naka raid. A ton of real life friends see the Facebook link and pop in for a few hours. The stream goes super well, and I manage to retain about 600 people from the Naka raid for several hours. And boom, just like that, we’ve done it! Average viewers for the month is sitting at 82, exceeding the requirement for the Kick Partner Program. Let’s fucking gooooooooo!
I celebrate a bit with chat, thank everyone on Facebook for popping in, crack a couple of brews with The Greek, and submit my application for partnership to Kick. I also manage to pick up another 40 or so followers, which pops me over 1k,so I submit a request to Chess.com for their partnership program.
I expect both to take about a week to get back to me, but within a couple of days, I’m accepted into both programs, and just absolutely ecstatic about it. The road ahead is going to be long and grindy, but at a bare minimum, I now have a couple of extra tools at my disposal to generate views and revenue. This extended Europe trip may actually end in some way other than me having to give handjobs in an Albanian alley to book my plane ticket back home to mom’s place in Calgary.
At the tail end of week 3 on Saturday, The Greek and I head out for drinks with Bobo and Iris. C’s visit has been short but sweet, and she’s already departed. K-dawg is out of town yet again for another business trip, so it’ll just be the 4 of us.
We peel out to a nice terrace in Blloku. Pretty standard fancy pants stuff, there’s no DJ playing yet, but we roll out some drinks and tapas. Couple beers, couple cocktails, nothing crazy. Bobo and Iris look great as per usual, there’s just some sort of aura of class that emanates from some of these European women. A certain care taken into their appearance… probably I should take some style notes from them. For sure explains why K-dawg always looks so sharp these days. But I’ve never had time for that shit… one day.
As per usual, the ladies have to go home relatively early. Being a mom is a full time job after all. The terrace has filled up, and The Greek and I debate taking a shot at some of the tables of women, but I’ve never had a ton of love for the fancier folk. Sit there looking bored and sip your drink, if you can’t entertain yourselves I’m not gonna do it for you.
We decide to send it to Juliette, the Karaoke bar we went on one of the first nights. Have talked to the bartender a few times prior and he’s claimed that on Saturday the place gets rowdy. It’s only a few blocks away so we mosey our way over there.
The bar is indeed hopping. Ground floor karaoke bar in the heart of Blloku, but instead of karaoke, tonight they have a live band strumming up a storm and rocking out to some good ole American tunes. “Dance floor” / “Mosh pit” is body to body, sweaty, with cigs inside, so you can imagine how it all smells, and I fucking guarantee more than a people got burned.
We manage to snake our way next to the bar, and snag a couple of brews, but we’re only half cut at best, the crowd is young, and it’s pretty much impossible to even make out the features of people jumping around in the crowd, let alone get the wheels rolling and slide in some convo.
So we strategically prop up at a table closer to the entrance, where sweat in the air is a bit less thick. Lot less talent out this way, but it was going to be a nightmare to hit on anyone in that most pit, and we’d probably need to be at least another six beers deep to send it.
Casually sipping and looking to socialize, I look over at the other table, and notice four lads around our age give or take a few years who look like they are down to get rowdy. Couple African-American types, a whitey, and a dude who just looks like he could be an Arab Sheikh.
Strike up a convo with the boys, and it turns out they are all visiting from Italy for the weekend, here on a bachelors, and are looking to tear it up a bit. I buy a round of shots to congratulate ’em, and we end up merging tables with the lads and swap war stories.
It turns out they are planning to go to Durres beach the next day and are hoping not to get tooo mangled tonight. I haven’t been to the beach yet since I’ve been here, so after a few brews, I ask if I can tag along. Pick up a couple of What’s-App numbers, and we lock in tentative plans to link up the next day. Bar itself ends up being a bit of a bust… it’s pretty hard to get any reliable service, and so when the boys (The Sheik, Davinci (white, future husband), Sanny, and Firo) bounce, The Greek and I decide it’s time to retire ourselves.
Wake up the next day, and for whatever reason, The Greek isn’t down to hit the beach. Crazy stuff, but I guess he’s used to the Med at this point and unimpressed. Fire out a few texts to the Italians, and they are still down, so I end up scarfing some pizza and meeting up with them at their brunch spot downtown.
There’s a cab line right outside the brunch spot, and after a little bit of haggling, we manage to secure 2 cabs for 20 Euros each. First hiccup pops up; the Italians don’t have any physical cash on ’em. I do happen to have a few bills on me after some good luck at the poker tables, and I end up making a deal where I’ll cover the cabs out as long as they cover cabs back. Fuckin’ most generous unemployed lad who ever existed right here (it does make sense though, because otherwise they’d just be rolling the 4 of them out in one cab).
We split 3-2, with me hopping into a cab with Firo and The Sheik, and just like that, we’re off. A slightly hungover bunch, but not bad considering we made it outta the bar at a reasonable time. The drive out to Durres is fairly beautiful, and we’re having a good time exchanging small talk, but at a certain point, we decide to get into beach mood, and ask the cab driver to pump some tunes for us.
Cabby (Big Will) is more than happy to oblige. He’s a fucking maniac. Cranks the tunes as loud as the speakers will play ’em, he’s swerving back and forth as he drives in tune with the music, while somehow we still feel perfectly safe in the car. Hacking a dart out the window, not a care in the world. We do get stuck in a rut where we listen to 3 versions of the same Shakira song, but it becomes an inside joke really fast and we make great time (1h) to the beach. I make sure to grab Big Will’s number; this is my cabby from now until forever.
We roll out as a 5-stack of lads onto the beach and survey our surroundings. View across the Adriatic sea is nice, no chance of making out Italy at this distance though. We hit the boardwalk and hike around the small patch of Golem Beach that has public access. Unfortunately, it’s a Sunday, and a few weeks ahead of major tourist season; the beach is a bit of a ghost town.
Boardwalk has the beach and some small bars on the seaside, with a few sparsely populated hotels, pools, and hotel bars on the other side. Plenty of big, empty hotels for peak season. Tourist attractions include a worn-down volleyball net, a bumper-cars setup that hasn’t been used in at least ten years, and a couple of ice cream stands. Really not the paradise we were hoping for, but hey, fuck it, at least we have each other, and we pretty much have the beach to ourselves.
We roll back to the first bar near the roundabout where our cabs dropped us off, slam a round of drinks, hack a few darts, and take our second round onto some beach chairs. This is the first proper beach I’ve seen in years, and despite the fact I’m a bit of a pussy when it comes to the ocean due to my mom showing me Jaws at about age 8, I’m happy to be one of the first ones in there.
Water is a little bit murky, but it’s a very gradual drop-off, and feels good to be splashing around in the sun. We kill a few hours and more than a few drinks, and decide it’s nearly time to wrap things up.
Swing by this fancy hotel / restaurant in Durres for dinner. Actually insane what a ghost town it is today; there are maybe 20 staff, and zero other customers, so all of them are waiting on the five of us. The boys are celebrating and not afraid to go all-out; we end up ordering a nice Italian bottle of white, few appetizers and mains to split, and one of every dessert on the menu. I’m not even a dessert guy, but this is the definition of eating well; every dish looks beautiful, tasted great, and we’re having a nice time getting to know each other. We also receive some fancy shots post-dinner on the house, as a little digestif.
What’s less expected is Davinci telling me I need to come to the wedding in Ciro Marina. Wedding is happening in exactly 2 weeks. I’m a little flattered, and laugh it off a bit; but at the same time, I tell him that if he’s actually serious, as long as he clears it with the future wifey, you better believe I’ll be there. He says he’s dead serious, and I tell him he has ’til the end of their trip here to change his mind.
We all rip back to Tirana with the same cab drivers, with plans to send it out for one last big night on their bachelors. And send it we do. We link up at a fancy bar/club in Blloku, speakers blasting electronic music, with standing tables only, and just start hammering drinks down.
The setup here is good; it’s fancy, and I’m equipped with my one dress shirt, and there are handfuls of people at each table, with more than a few pretty girls.
I end up meeting one British dude (Lil-Bro) shooting the shit in the bathroom, breaking the classic piss-talk code; his group is also only here for the weekend, and they are looking to send hard.
So we merge tables with his gang, which consists of his tall, lanky older brother (Lank), Lank’s gf, and a couple of other British ladies. We’re all having a good time putting some drinks down, dancing, and taking shots.
Shots are fucking dangerous though, they catch up to me reallll quick, especially after a long day of drinking. At some point, we’re all eyeballing these Russian ladies the next table over, and Lank gives me some ludicrous line to drop on them. I’m fairly buckled, and don’t mind being silly… I head over to them, fumble the line, and we all sort of laugh it off.
I head back to the table ready to joke around about it, but Lank rolls in next, and it turns out I’ve been the sacrificial lamb all along; he uses the fact I dropped a terrible line as the conversation starter, and apologizes for me. When I cut back to joke around about it with him, he’s fairly rude and dismissive… I mean fuck, maybe it was the booze, but I was a little bit heated. No one’s gonna be putting me on their hook as bait.
So while he’s occupied with the Russians, I put my arm around his girlfriend and start chatting her up. Tell her that since he’s hitting on girls in front of her, he clearly doesn’t deserve her and she could use a real man. Haha I wish I was making this up, I’m definitely 100% in troublemaking mode at this point, and we’re all more than a little smashed. But for real, fuck that guy haha. His little brother was mad chill though, we also shoot the shit a bit and are getting along just fine.
Anyways, Lank doesn’t really notice at first, it’s already fairly late and there are some ideas of shutting er down. At some point I’m hacking a dart outside with a couple of the Italians, figuring out if it’s time to bounce, and Lank comes out the door all pissed off. Starts yelling at me and saying his gf told him what I said. I could have apologized, but at this point I’m fucking sauced and not really feeling like it. We obviously have to double down here.
I tell him he’s a skinny lil bitch who’s obv trash if he’s hitting on girls in front of his girlfriend, and that I’m more than happy to settle it hockey style right there. Buddy better have a knife London style if he wants to come out on top of this one. For the record, fighting is stupid, you should really only break it out if you have to, and this is definitely not the case here, but I do fuckin’ love running my mouth, especially when I know the kid is soft and not going to do shit.
He steps in and gives me a halfhearted shove, and I tell him his girlfriend could probably put up a better showing. The boys are all in the middle breaking us up before anything starts anyways, no one is looking to get arrested in Albania. I flip him off, tell his girlfriend to call me, say goodnight to the boys, hop in a cab, and manage to get myself home in one piece. Wouldn’t have really wanted to scrap him anyways, his little brother would have obviously had to get involved, and the kid was chill / sweet the whole night.
Wake up the next day hungover as fuck, and am a little sad the Italian boys are rolling out of town. I’m also hoping the little spectacle hasn’t resulted in my wedding invite being retracted. Shoot a few texts out to the lads, and I guess they enjoyed the show, because my wedding invite is more locked in than ever. The boys fuckin’ love me, and I love them. Best part of travelling.
Side Note: I’m going to lean a bit more on random nicknames. Particularly the women, and then some of the professional dudes I suspect I may get up to some shenanigans with. Pretty easy to figure out if ya know ’em, but figure adding a touch of privacy can’t hurt.
Side Note 2: I’ll take some time in this post to lay down the scenery and characters for adventures. Next few posts will be a bit more sped up pace-wise, for the impatient readers out there.
Plane touches down in Tirana, Albania, and all of a sudden I can just feel the excitement bubbling up inside me. Paris was nice enough, and it was fantastic catching up with old friends (+C!), but it didn’t feel particularly foreign. Baguette croissant steak frites, merci beaucoup, one Frenchieland to another. Really enjoyed the chess scene, but it was not much of an adventure, really.
In contrast, even disembarking the plane in Tirana is an adventure. Should be thankful the plane even made it, fuckin’ Wiz Air. Never again. Staircase wheeled in next to the plane, feet touching the tarmac, I’m instantly met with a magnificent view of some of the mountains opposite the terminal. They aren’t the Rocky Mountains, but they’re impressive enough, especially when you’re coming from Montreal and “Mont” Tremblant (note to the Frenchies: it’s a fucking hill). Mist shrouds the lush green mountaintops, and it imparts an instant feeling of awe. It’s nature, it’s rugged, it’s foreign, and most importantly, it’s something new.
From the tarmac we form two groups to take busses across the tarmac to the terminal. Canadian passport is clutch yet again; at this point I’m pretty sure I could just hop around Europe indefinitely, with a smile on my face, and no country would really care. They don’t seem particularly tight on border security in Europe so far.
Collect my baggage (which I had to check due to Wiz’s obnoxious size requirements), stroll out of the terminal and arrive in a beat up looking parking lot. Taxis are rolling in and out attempting to fish in passengers, and I’m sure I would make for a good tourist target, but yet again, old friendships are coming in huge; K-dawg is at work, but his wife Bobo swings by the airport and picks me up.
It’s been 10 or 12 years since I’ve seen either of the Albanian couple. K-dawg is a good Albanian buddy of mine from back in the McGill days, and was a big part of the friend group I had with S and Vidy. Vidy, K-dawg and I shared a few comp sci classes, and the three of us would often procrastinate and then work on assignments on the last day “together”. Together in quotations, cause more often than not, I’d end up figuring shit out and the boys would copy me, feeding me beers and poutine to keep me going, but it was a lot more fun than suffering solo in the Trottier lab, and we’d often break up the work to fire up a game of FIFA or two.
Bobo pulls up in their humble van (I’m pretty sure it was a Range Rover), accompanied by her friend Iris. Both just have big beaming smiles on their faces, and it’s actually crazy to me how happy Bobo is to see me. It’s literally been 14 years, and once again it feels like it was just yesterday we were playing beer pong and cramming for finals together.
Funnily enough, it was only a few days ago that the thought occurred to me that Bobo might not actually have gone to McGill with the rest of us. She was a fairly permanent fixture at K-dawg’s place, K-dawg’s mysterious model-esque / fashionista gf from Albania, and I never even thought to question it… but it turns out she was just visiting so often she was part of the crew.
Bobo’s English certainly hasn’t improved that much since we’ve last seen each other, but it hasn’t gotten much worse either, and we have a pleasant conversation catching up while stuck in some awful traffic. K-dawg’s father has sadly passed away recently, which I can empathize a lot with, and he’s been busy as hell putting in the work required to shore things up at the company that’s been passed down to him, and preserve his father’s legacy. Not a lot of time to grieve properly after such a tremendous loss, but not only has he stepped up to take care of business, he’s also managed to find the time and resources to welcome me properly, even though it was completely unnecessary. Lot of respect due for that, the man’s an absolute stud.
Bobo hasn’t really aged a day since I’ve last seen her, and she’s pretty easy on the eyes. Iris isn’t exactly tough to look at either, dark hair, big, expressive eyes, and 100% happily married with a kid… but there are smiles all around as the MILF Mobile (couldn’t resist, sorry K!) slowly crawls down roads that were clearly built a century or two ago for carts and horses, and haven’t been adapted properly since. My understanding is that cars in Tirana are a bit of a status symbol; they sure as fuck aren’t useful in the downtown core, where you can get around just as fast by walking and twice as fast via bike.
Bobo’s working some sort of government job, while Iris is putting in hours at her mom’s dental clinic. We swap some info for me to get a cheap teeth clean at a later date, and we finally roll up to the apartment building where I’ll be staying with yet another uni buddy, The Greek.
The Greek’s a smarty-pants ML developer, and a long time poker buddy from back in the McGill days. Always has something interesting to say, always has a smug grin on his face, possibly slightly touched by the ’tism, but in a fun, energetic, borderline sociopathic way; definitely a character, and happens to be the main catalyst of this whole trip. He’d originally jokingly invited me to help him weed an olive garden out at his place in Greece, and amidst the Behaviour layoffs / L breakup and in full life tilt, I told him I’d 100% come as a full yolo. Greece was the original plan, but he decided last minute it’d be too boring, and that we should pivot to Albania. Was all for it since I’d get to catch up with K + B as well, and the rest is history.
Anyways, MILF-Mobile pulls up to the apartment where The Greek + his buddy Drizzy are waiting for us. I drop my bags off quickly, and they pile into the van with us to go grab a bite for lunch. More traffic ensures, so we get a scenic tour through city center, towards Blokku.
I don’t know fuck all about Tirana yet, but we pass by the residence of the last dictator, across the bridge to the south, and land in fancy-pants land. Blokku is the happening district where the more affluent locals and tourists go to wine, dine, and 69. Clubs, bars, and the pricier restaurants. Not sure how much time I’ll be spending here as a starving streamer, but it’s nice enough.
Sit down at one resto while Bobo parks the car. Iris bails, she has a few things to wrap up at work, but I get a chance to catch up with The Greek + D a bit while we wait for Bobo to get back. We order a couple beers on the terrace and shoot the shit; Drizzy is an Albania software dev who’s been here quite some time now, and The Greek is in the middle of winding down his role in an ML startup he got into a few years past the seed funding stage. Both are looking forward to tearing up Albania with me, even though it’s going to be a working trip for both The Greek and I.
Bobo returns, her + Drizzy order several dishes (as the Albanian hosts) tapas style for the group, and we get our munch on. Couple of surprise visitors in K’s (B’s?) mom with K+B’s son, M, stroller bound but full of energy, and K-dawg himself manages to peel away from the office long enough to drop by for a quick bite + a hello.
Man it’s good to see the guy. Fourteen years, almost half a lifetime ago, it’s been way too fuckin’ long. Vidy and I haven’t aged quite as much visibly, but perhaps it’s cause we’ve just refused to grow up. K has taken a lot more responsibility onto himself, and it shows. He’s dressed sharp and professionally; I suspect Bobo may have played a role in his current attire. All functional degenerates need a good woman in their lives, myself included. His hair’s starting to gray just the slightest at the edges; will definitely tease him about this in the future.
But for now it’s a warm embrace, some chit-chat. I fill him in on the Paris saga, we bounce some ideas for plans back and forth, and he sends me a list of 40 locations to visit in Tirana that I will probably not consult (it’s just a debilitating number of dots, on a map in a city, that inexplicably doesn’t have door numbers. Seriously. No fucking door numbers in Albania, no real addresses, finding anything is impossible in this city. That’s one way to shut Uber out of a city, chalk one up for the cabbies!). The chat is short, but solid, interrupted only by the inexplicably large amount of extremely attractive women passing by our table on the terrace.
I need to drive this point home; pretty much 50% of the women walking past us are legitimate head turners. I thought we were spoiled for choice in Montreal, but Tirana is looking like a step above so far. I’d say there must be something in the water, but most people don’t drink the tap-water here, so who knows what it is. My thoughts are still a little bit on C, but given that she’s currently opting for a friendship of sorts, I figure I’m not hurting anyone by taking a gander or two at the local talent.
K has to bounce back to work, and B strolls M home, while Drizzy also parts ways with us. The Greek + I opt to stretch our legs and walk back to our apartment (on the north side of the main city square) from Blokku. By SHEEER COINCIDENCE, our path takes us past the Grand Casino, one of 3 large casinos in the Tirana downtown core. The Greek and I have an extensive poker history, and that goes hand in hand with an affinity for gambling. There’s a zero percent chance we pass this opportunity by, so we decide to make a little pitstop.
Exterior of the casino isn’t as flashy as some of the five-stars you can find on the Vegas strip, but it’s glitzy enough. Someone in marketing somewhere a long time ago decided that all casino’s should look the same. Bright neon lights on the outside to attract all the moths to the flame, clean and yet greasy interior, amplified by the character flaws of all the patrons. Excitement, greed, desperation, and sweat, despite the perfectly functioning air conditioning.
We walk through the metal detector at the bottom of the stairs without issue, but there’s a hiccup. Despite the fact I’m old as fuck, they still require ID for every player, and they aren’t willing to accept any of my foreign IDs; my passport is about a fifteen minute walk away back in the apartment. I’m willing to make the trip back, but The Greek is thirsty for some action, and we end up getting me a guest pass, which means I can accompany him, but am not actually allowed to gamble myself. Pretty fuckin’ gay.
I negotiate a deal with The Greek to chop up his win/loss, and we make our way to the roulette table, his game of choice. It’s daytime and most of the seats are occupied by patrons similar to what you’d find in NA… bunch of crusty old bastards chilling and gambling the day away. Only noticeable difference is you can hack darts at the table, gotta love Europe for that.
The Greek is only punting around 10 Euro’s a spin but he hits a decent win-streak, both on the inside, and on the outside. It’s here that I learn my first Albanian words; action is closed with the ball spinning as the dealer declares, “Scama Basta!”. The English equivalent is “No More Bets”, which I’ve heard plenty of times over my casino forays in the past. Figures I’d learn my first Albanian words in a fuckin’ casino.
I’m chilling sipping a drink content that my money’s in good hands. After about twenty mins with no further progress on the ole bankroll, I ask The Greek when we should pull out / if we should play some blackjack, and a kind of blank look comes over his face; “us”? Ah ok, greasy bastard. Apparently we’re only chopping if we’re losing.
It’s been a long journey so far with an early wakeup, and I’m a little bit cranky at this point; it’s not a significant sum of money, buddy is up maybe 100 Euros… but I’m not going to hang out in a casino if I’m not in on the action. Make this point / say that I’m going to head back to the apartment, and The Greek decides that we can play a little blackjack. He’ll play 2 hands, and play 1 hand for me based on my decisions.
We pop over to the blackjack table, and I’m in for a very chill 50 Euros. Min Bet is 10. As usual, my luck’s fucking terrible. I literally lose all five hands in a row (something like a 1/30 chance) and with the Greek up another 10 or 20, that’s fuckin it for me. Classic. We head to the cage, cash him out, and pop back to the apartment. SCAMA BASTA! What a fuckin’ scam indeed. Fuck the casino, and fuck The Greek.
The apartment itself is a pretty decent setup. We ended up paying about 700 CAD each for the month, which isn’t really a discount compared to my Montreal crib. Shopping around in the month afterwards, I realize we probably could have done better, but I have no real complaints.
We have 2 bedrooms, each with their own private balcony, a full kitchen, washing machine, and most importantly, fast wifi. The one thing I notice is a fairly unpleasant odor; ok, a fucking rank odor. Turns out The Greek is currently treating Athlete’s foot, and it stinks to holy hell. Window’s are going to be open for the majority of this month. Probably doesn’t help that The Greek also informs me that protocol here is to bin, rather than flush toilet paper. Kinda fucking disgusting; I’d find out later that this is not simply not the case unless explicitly stated.
The only other quirk of the place, is that a lot of the apartments in Tirana combine the shower with the rest of the bathroom. The shower is literally just a shower-head in the bathroom, and there’s a drain on the floor right in the middle of it. A little bit weird, but until this point in my life I’ve never been able to take a shit and a shower at the same time… you better believe that at some point, I gave it a shot. Aqua-dump for the boys! Ok, but it was really a bucket list thing that had to be crossed off.
Next day or so is fairly uneventful. I’m grinding away at the stream dream, catch a dinner and drinks with Kristi, while The Greek hits up board games with Drizzy’s expat friend group, and things are fairly amicable around the apartment. The Greek + I do enjoy small chirps and taking pot shots at each other, and he has a bit of a habit similar to my latest Montreal roomie, of buying absolutely nothing for the house, and then asking to “borrow” beers, which is a bit annoying considering one of us is making 200k a year and one of us doesn’t have a fuckin’ job, but we set up plans together for a proper Wednesday night.
There’s an expat bar, Juliette, in the Blloku neighborhood, where the they are hosting a weekly Karaoke night. Bunch of Drizzy’s group will be there, including another character, The Professor. Will have to fill on more details about him as I learn them, the night quickly turns into a blur.
A lot of American songs being cranked out on the Karaoke stage. Drizzy and The Greek sing out Thank You America (no idea if that’s actually the name), trolling the bar a bit; song is a thank you to American’s from Albania for helping to end communism. I get up there and sing a random country banger with an American expat. Make friends with a larger German girl, who’s down to fire up some chess in the park one of these days, and I shoot my shot at a couple of Russian looking blondes and airball completely. Fuck, 0/1 boys.
Minor kerfuffle over drinks; I’ve ordered and paid for a round of mix drinks, which are ridiculously overpriced compared to everything I’ve ever seen, and The Greek is hemming and hawing about reciprocating. I guess one way to accumulate wealth is by being a cheap fuck. Haha I’ll reiterate that he really is a good buddy of mine, just comes with some personality quirks at times, and we can get under each other’s skin with our little jabs.
Night goes on, with some shots (DANGER! DANGER! I really don’t handle them well, and generally abstain, but it was our first big night out) and more drinks added to the mix. We’re properly buckled now, and other than the Russian’s I whiffed on, there really isn’t any Blloku talent for us to flirt with kicking around.
The Greek is really fiending a jaunt to the local strip club, and since C hasn’t really found any sort of commitment to a visit in Tirana yet, I’m not that difficult to convince. We’re joined by Professor + Drizzy, and make our way over to Maria Bonita, right on the main Tirana strip.
Conversation between the 4 of us is flowing pretty well as we walk in, and continue to put away more drinks. Nothing particularly special about the strip club itself, classic stage setup with chairs right up front for the real perverts, and plush booths ringed around the stage in the back for the more normal degens. Seedy customers scattered throughout, and a halfhearted dance going on on the main stage; place seems a bit dead, but it is a Wednesday after all.
The Greek is the first to fall to the talent, accepting a couple of table dances from one of the local entrepreneurs, a ridiculously good looking blonde with a body that just pops and eyes that almost make you forget what she does for a living. Table dances aren’t so much dances, but the girl basically just sitting in your lap and engaging in conversation with you. Ten minutes runs you fifteen Euros, which is a pretty damn good deal and comes with a drink for her.
The rest of us have a bit of a chuckle and keep chatting and drinking while The Greek wraps up his dance refusing to pay for a second. Blondie has absolutely no loyalty, and the second the meter is no longer running she’s off to another table.
A few more drinks and shots later, I get accosted by a dangerously good looking brunette. I decide there’s not much of a point in being at a strip club if you’re not going to engage in a dance or two, and start chatting the Russian up a bit over more drinks. In the back of my head I joke that maybe this can be the start of my Andrew Tate arc; I already have a stream going, all that’s missing are the Eastern European performers.
At some point there’s an interesting duo performance happening on the main stage, and as a group we decide to investigate it a little closer. Russian girl is still on my lap, and it seems like there’s some potential for a Kick Stream collab. I pull her what’s app number, and after another drink, I finally shut off the meter; probably ended up being about 4 dances altogether.
But before she can saunter off to another table, The Greek decides to troll me, and pulls her in for a dance himself. Strippers and Greeks, no loyalty! He does so with a few more chirps and a smirk, and we’re all absolutely tittered at this point. I figure I’m pretty much done for the night, and get up to bounce, but with his parting chirp and something about how all the girls are whores, as I’m walking past him to the door I throw a half assed slap his way, in full sight of the bouncers.
We’re talking a very light cuff, fueled by tiredness, annoyance, and more than a few shots, but pandemonium immediately ensues. There are two bouncers, a short one and a big burly one, and they immediately run over towards me as I’m still continuing to walk to the door. Fuck.
Unbeknownst to me (and completely unintentionally), it turns out I not only got a piece of The Greek, but also the Russian girl on his lap with my parting shot. The burly bouncer is fairly chill, but the short one is screaming at me in Albanian and shoving me from behind towards the door I was walking to anyways. He also gives me a light cuff from behind on the cheek, which I barely feel in my inebriated state, and I say that he hits like a girl, which he luckily does not hear.
The four of us end up on the street in front of the strip club, and while I count myself lucky I didn’t get my ass kicked by the bouncers, The Greek + I are still pretty heated with each other. He’s uttering threats about kicking me out of the apartment and I’m calling him a cheap piece of shit. We say a few more things to each other we don’t mean, and I walk off back to the apartment while he sticks around for a bit with the rest of the guys to decompress a bit.
The stripper texts me a few minutes later to see if I’m ok, and is the first one to mention to me that I actually got a piece of her too. I figure I couldn’t have gotten much of her if she was checking up on me (and to reiterate; it was a really light, open handed cuff, while walking away, at the back/side of The Greek’s head. With her sitting frontside in his lap, I’m really not sure how I could have gotten any of her).
Not a ton of fallout from the whole shitshow, in the end, The Greek came home and crashed. We’d talk things out the next day, I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. Biggest loss of the event was that there’s no way in hell I’d be able to go back to Maria Bonita. Pretty much the only Asian guy in Tirana that I’d seen so far, so it wasn’t exactly going to be hard to recognize me… I had some hopes with the stripper checking up on me that my reputation might escape unscathed, but when I tried to follow up for drinks to discuss the stream, she declined and said she “didn’t want to get hit again”.
Fuck. Great start, 3 days in and the only Asian dude in town is going to be known as a deranged wife beater. You fucking KNOW she’s going to be going around telling the story, and that it’ll get worse with every retelling. Even in the expat group, I heard that a few days later, The Professor was saying I got lifted up, carried out, and thrown on the ground by the bouncers, like a cartoon character. These types of urban legends have a habit of growing out of proportion, and this is quite possibly the worst type of tale to be a part of. Definitely going to have to lay low for a while.
But to be completely honest. As awful as I feel that the Russian woman was collateral damage (I want to reiterate I 0% condone any violence towards the fairer sex), sometimes you have to set the tone a bit. The drinks were flowing, which are not an excuse, but The Greek was getting way out of line, the whole fuckin’ night (and doing so gleefully, in full belief there would be no repercussions). Put me in that same spot, and I’d do it again… shit, if I could do it again, I’d probably try to slap him harder, just make sure to aim better.
Haha shit, the kid really has a talent for getting under my skin. There’s a certain point when you’re shithoused and someone is running their mouth at you where the time for words is over. I think fighting is stupid, but maybe it’s a hockey culture thing, sometimes feels like simplest way to handle things is to take it outside, chuck a few bombs at each other, and then go out for some beers afterwards as friends again. Just maybe not the wisest to do so in a foreign country.
Side note: I’ve just been crushing allergy pills since I’ve arrived. Never had allergies my whole life until I turned 30, and then all of a sudden tree jizz just fucks me in the early summer. Fucking things Super annoying, especially with contact lenses,
Oh. Something really funny I missed from the previous night. We had a moment where C lost her keys back to her parent’s. Both parents outta town. We were both pretty tired, both wearing backpacks, and searched the hell out of HERS. Couldn’t find them, it was getting pretty late, and I was searching up nearby hotels trying to find anywhere to take us in. Happy to drop 100-200 euros just to sort it out and keep us off the streets, but everywhere reasonable was booked. Seems to be a recurring theme in my trip so far. Fucking get home, Brando!
C isn’t having it. There’s a 5 star nearby with vacancies, and she’s done with the bullshit. We walk over there, and she’s in the process of swiping her card to drop… an obscene amount of money, at 3 or 4am at this point, to basically just have a bed for the night. Not like we are going to be enjoying a spa, massage, room service, etc… we’re going to be checking out in about 6h. Made zero sense to me. I think no matter how well I do in this world, when it comes to the fancy shit, I’m always going to be fairly grounded when it comes to extravagence.
No one needs to drink 10k bottles of champagne; I’m pretty sure the 200’s taste just as good. I’m definitely not cheap, love splashing cash on friends or buying randoms shots at the bar, but there’s just this… point of excess where it all starts seeming like Monopoly money and crazy to me. I’d realistically rather sleep in a fucking tent, or on the street, than drop that kind of coin for a bed for the night… but only if it was just me. Never let a lady crash under those conditions.
Anyways, realistically, she was just trying to be responsible and not make her perceived mistake of losing the keys something we’d both suffer for. Or maybe she was just really tired and cranky, but I’m gonna choose to believe that she was being noble and offering for me.
I suggested a few additional options but she was ready to pull the trigger, card in hand at the front desk, and then all of a sudden she remembers that the backpack on me was actually one she had lent me, on this very day. We unzip the back pocket, and sure enough, key’s fucking there, crisis averted. Lot of money saved that day.
The Paris trip has been decidedly wholesome so far. And maybe that’s why it’s going so well. Imagine if somehow there was a correlation between not getting absolutely shitfaced, and your plans loosely coming together. But nah, that sounds like some nonsense pseudoscience. Cheers boys, drink up!
Paris Day 4:
I wake up at C’s place feeling like a million bucks. No hangover, smile on my face… Paris may feel like Montreal, but it’s still sinking in a bit that I’ve just started what should be the adventure of a lifetime, and I’m lucky enough to be kicking it off with plenty of good company.
The last member of the crew, Shaon, is piling into Paris later tonight, to visit the whole gang, and help his sister, S, who’s just moved into town a week or so ago, get settled in. Seems like an excuse to try and spring some debauchery with Vidy and I, but maybe I’m not giving him enough credit for supporting his family. People change over the years no? I’m sure he’s visited S plenty of times! Vidy, Shaon, and I have some plans in our obscene group chat to all link up later this evening, so I’m covered on that front.
C also has a few daytime plans / some errands to run. Which is fine by me; I get a chance to settle into my Paris flow. My first mission of the day is to make up for that fake Filet Mignon, and finally sit down to a proper bistro experience. No more fucking around; I only have a few days left to make it happen.
I take a lazy stroll out her front door in the early afternoon, and start heading towards an area a few hundred meters away that, at least according to Google Maps, is chock full of bistro’s. Walk through a busy marketplace, use my newly discovered knowledge that some bistro’s double as cigarette vendors to acquire a new pack of smokes, and eventually reach the target.
Can’t remember the name of the fuckin’ place for the life of me, but it’s everything I wanted. Cute brunette waitress that doesn’t take forever to take my order, carafe of red wine and smokes on the terrace, steak frites and a light house salad ordered up just like that.
Man, you feel like a king being waited on in the Paris sunlight, on a terrace, half a liter of red wine on deck, with the smoke from your dart just curling up and blowing away in the breeze. Feels like summer, and I can’t wait for the food to show up.
Only complaint is that I order my steak medium rare, and it basically rolls out well done. Have a suspicion it’s a Paris tourist thing and take a mental note, but it’s tasty enough, and while the salad is refreshing, it’s the fries that really steal the show.
Crispy on the outside, delightfully fluffy on the inside, and accompanied by a tangy blue cheese dip, I could eat these things right up ’til my heart exploded. I take my sweet time munching everything down, completely relaxed and living on Euro time. The magnitude of my decision to say fuck it to everything sacred and start a ludicrous journey on a shoestring budget fades away in a solitary moment of satisfaction and bliss.
Am enjoying myself so much that I decide to order dessert. I take a white wine with some vanilla ice cream (which comes with some sort of crumbly sugar roll thing) and am just in heaven being lazy for a day and enjoying simple pleasures. Finally I’m letting go a bit, and after I pay and walk out, I just have the biggest fucking smile on my face. Life is fun again, and things are looking up.
Axel is hungover as fuck / down for the count, but Sahil and Mikhail are ready to tango one last time over the board. I also have about 50 euros left on the fucking gift card, and I’m not one to leave anything on the table.
So I pound back over to Blitz Society and decide we gotta make it count. Blow the rest of the card out on a bottle of red and a couple of snacks. Look at me now Ukranian hostess, I’m a high roller baby!
Sahil + Mikhail join me soon enough and I spot them a glass of wine each. Not sure why the unemployed lad is splashing the cash, but it was just a gift card and you gotta spread the wealth when you have it. We fire up a blitz rotation with an additional warrior from the club, who puts up a decent game, but inevitably crumbles to my attacking style. Don’t recall dropping a single game to any of them; Blitz Society is really my new home turf. Definitely going to have to go back.
Exchange some goodbyes with the lads. Some tentative talk to potentially collab with Sahil on an AI contract job or 2, but somewhat doubtful it will pan out. Both really great gents, will def try to catch em again next time I’m in Paris.
Check-in with C briefly at her place. She’s going to be busy most of the night / is tired, so I can rally with my friends, and I’m welcome to crash back at hers… but it comes with a curfew. I mean fair enough, it’s her place and she’s gonna sleep when she damn well wants to. I manage to negotiate 1am, and we’re both pretty ok with it; obviously want to spend some more time with her, but I don’t wanna let the boys down either. They’re counting on me to bring some energy and I’m going to do my best.
Hop on a Velib bike, and just power my way through downtown to get to an area southwest of the Eiffel tower. Boys are all around the Eiffel tower, they could have picked a spot in my direction, but fuck it, I’m excited to see big SHAOOOON. We spent an entire year and a half playing Smash Bros Melee and getting gooned at Montreal dive bars, and though he did have a brief run through Montreal recently, I’m looking forward to catching him in a bigger group context.
Initial hangout spot is a terrible fucking bar choice. Asian bartender running a small resto bar in a pretty dead neighborhood. Order a charcuterie / fromage board for the table, which is trash, and we smash a few pints catching up. V+V+S+S+B (we got girlfriend and sister in tow), good times but relatively uneventful.
I’m starting to realize the 1am curfew sucks. The drinks are just starting to hit, that beautiful buzzed glow is coming over me, and after talking to the bartender, we discover there are more lively spots that could go til 5am. I was really close to sending it, Shaon’s sis and Vidy’s gf were both out, and it could have just been the boys doing dumb shit… but then I have a real think.
We already had tentative plans to link up in Albania in less than a month. Music festival, insanity, the whole shebang. And I have exactly one more night after this one, to see where the whole C thing goes, and leave the impression that I want to leave. Is not making curfew to get shithoused with the boys really going to send the right message?
Ah fuck, what a fucking dilemma though. I can see the excitement in Vid and Shaon’s eyes, they know that I can bring that degen energy, they both have gfs and are slowly winding their lives down, and this could be one of them BIG NIGHTS where we do crazy shit.
But it’s not. I put my foot down, and suggest that in the interest of keeping the whole group together, we send er to another bar that has a bit more energy. We do so, it’s an Irish pub with live rock, we grab some pints, and I negotiate an additional hour on the ole curfew extension via phone. It’s not a bad spot, but it’s not a full send, and I can tell Shaon is disappointed. Same time, he spends twenty mins on a phone call with his GF back in the UK, so it’s not justttt me that’s trying to be a little mindful of the womenfolk.
We keep our shirts on and our brains intact. Wholesome catchup. Love all around. And then, like a responsible adult human, I hop in the cab and head back to C’s. Choice I never would have make any amount of relationships ago… but it’s not one I feel bad about right now. Of course sending it with the boys would be a killer night, and who knows when we will get this chance again? But we do have Albania potentially on the table, and sometimes you have to prioritize the things that could bring you longer term happiness. Some things are worth fighting for just a little bit, so you don’t have to spend the rest of your life wondering how things could have gone.
Went back to C’s. Didn’t regret it at all. SOFTTTTTTTTT. We getting old boys.
Paris Day 5:
Last day in Paris before I rip out to Albania. I’ll keep this one brief. We assemble the whole squad for lunch and drinks.
C and I, V+V, S+S, Imge, her partner M, and their baby.
Marketplace is great, and I show off some dad skills in the park kicking a soccer ball around with a kid who has no friends. Wish I could say it was a tactical dad-skill flex to demonstrate my potential parenting ability to C, but tbh it just comes naturally, kids are fun when they get to that age where they can play sports. Eventually say goodbye to our little buddy and hit a terrace to grab some drinks.
C, Imge + M stick around for a few hours but bail to take care of a few things prior to dinner. Shaon complains that he got a single when he ordered a double (I swear buddy is always getting into it with barmaids haha, but this was pretty light.
Great story from his last Montreal visit, where a really funny bartender I know asked him if he could handle a racist joke. He said ok, and she proceeded to make a joke about his parents working at 7-11(who are Indian or Paki or something), and he was just RAGING for about an hour, while I found it hilarious. Clearly he could not handle the racist joke (to be fair, we were smasheddd).
Anyways, the rest of us hit another random resto. Shaon and Vidy order steaks medium rare and give me some strange looks and comment when I order mine blue. I could probably have told them what I’d learned in terms of how French cook steaks at the bistro yesterday, but I’m not 100% sure about my theory yet; I figure I can always ask them to cook it more if it comes out raw though.
Fifteen minutes later, their steaks come out as barely recognizable charred ash, while mine is a perfect medium rare. Theory confirmed! I laugh my ass off and gloat openly about my worldly understanding of Paris culture and cuisine.
We put away a few carafes of red which are on special, excitedly discuss plans to send Albania, and close down the night fairly responsibly, hugging out some goodbyes. Just a bunch of fucking gems, if there’s one argument for sticking it out in Europe, it’s that I already have a family here. These guys are awesome.
C + I have a nice last night back at her place. Going to miss her tremendously, but there are high hopes that she visits me out in Tirana in a week or two. Travel around Europe is cheap, and we’ll have to see where it goes. Have a few reasons to be optimistic, but ball’s sorta in her court in terms of defining R+R. If she wants to operate as friends, friends we shall be. There’s something tremendously real here, but I’m not blind to the compatibility issues that she’s flagged either, and I think we’ll just have to feel it out with strong communication along the way.
Paris Day 6:
Not really a Paris post. But just to catch things up. Wake up at some godforsaken hour early in the morning (4am?), barely slept at all. Taxi out to the Beaudry airport. I’ve decided to book a flight through Wiz Air, which operates way out north. Flight is cheap as hell (the cab actually cost me more, around 100 Euros), but I soon find out why.
I paid for a check-in bag to avoid them claiming my carry-on is oversize, shelled out cash for a few other random small extras and selected my seat, but I didn’t pay 4 Euros for the auto check-in option. No idea why that would be needed, when I can just… check-in myself at an airport kiosk?
I’m at the airport 3 hours ahead of my flight time, and the Wiz bag drop isn’t even open yet. There are also no kiosks that I can see, but I figure I’m 3 hours ahead and fine. Kill an hour and bag drop opens up. Get all the way to the front of the line, and the lady working it takes my bag, but when I inspect the ticket she prints me, it reads “standby” with no seat number on it. Apparently it’s because I didn’t check in.
The fuck do you mean I’m on standby? I have my seat picked and everything. Exactly how was I supposed to check in without a ticket kiosk at this trashcan airport?. Some serious horse shit.
I end up going through security freaking out, and bring up my issue with the people working my gate, who inform me that I will have to wait until last minute to see if I get on the plane. Beauvais is about an hour and a half north drive from Paris, and I’m absolutely steaming at this point. But I’m slightly mollified after another 12 people join me and are forced to wait in the standby line behind me. I might be a retard but at least I have company, and theoretically since I’m at the front, I should get first priority to any seat that opens up… right?
Line turns out to be meaningless. They let every senior citizen and wheelchair bound passenger who apparently understands the instructions better than us fly through the gate, and then, they start calling random passengers out from standby to pass through and board, instead of just grabbing me from the front of the line.
Name after name gets called, and I’m really starting to freak out. No idea what I’ll do if I get fucked here. Literally end up being the last number called… and placed in the exact seat that I booked. I thought I would be more pissed off, but at that point, all I’m feeling is relief.
Fucking ridiculous, probably would have had a meltdown if I was denied boarding. God may hate me, my luck has always been shit… last out of 14 people is really something else though. I guess all’s well that ends well, but damn was that close to me ending up leaving the airport still in France, detained in cuffs.
Takeoff goes off without a hitch, I lean back in my seat for a much-needed snooze, and just like that, the Albanian leg begins!
^ Really a professional photographer. But hey fuck it, at least I’m snapping some pics.
Ok we’re finally starting to catch up. No spoilers but has been a pretty busy week, with some big wins, and a couple of annoying things to handle. Much more momentum moving forward now that I don’t have to go back and get all the Mexico stuff in order or pop off about corporate culture, but we’ll wrap up Paris in wholesome fashion and I look forward to publishing some insane Albania material shortly.
(editor’s note: gonna force myself to stop editing so much, and just shit out some words like Steven King; dragging this out like I’m writing Game of Thrones. Welcome to my stream of consciousness)
Paris (Day 2):
So we’re officially the Blitz Society champ. Which is basically France champ in my head, come at me MVL, I’ll be waiting for you. We also are trying to figure out the C situation, and to top it off, some very fun, close, McGill dudes are coming into town over the next couple days. Vidy arrives today from Berlin, and he’s made a reference to our friend Imge also being around. We also have loose cannon Shaon, who I dicked around with well into the twilight of my McGill days, hopping in a couple days later.
But eyes on the prize! Pour yourself a glass of wine and sip with me as I regale ya with tales of lost love and romance. I don’t want to get into details that are too personal out of respect, but C and I have some stuff to talk about at this point in the story. What I can say, is that when we kicked off our relationship, she was the sweetest thing to ever exist, and definitely saved me from the worst heartbreak of my life in L.
In addition to being sweet as hell, C’s also sharp as nails, funny, and really fun to be around most of the time. The breakup in Montreal, with her headed back to Paris was amicable, a bit tragic, but planned for by both parties and foreseeable. Less foreseeable was that it would be almost two years before we’d be in contact again (through no fault of my own), but to keep things short, it weighed on me a lot. I’ve reflected many times on whether or not I could have done things differently or been a more perceptive boyfriend, and had an overwhelming urge to just follow up and make sure she was doing well. Spoiler: she is, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I had had a decent amount of excitement at the prospect of spending some time in Paris with her and getting to catch up, and that’s kind of where we kick this off.
So here I am in Paris, day two of a day six layover before the “true” midlife crisis journey to Tirana begins, and I’m the Paris Chess France Chess Champ of the Chess World. Let’s go! Dot those ‘i’s and cross those ‘t’s, we’re going to figure it all out.
Hostel bar is still dead in the late morning. Vidy has arrived late last night, but after learning from my first Mexico trip about how ya should let buddies figure out things on their own pace (BIG DEEZY taught me that), I leave Vidy alone for a bit to settle in, and Camille and I coordinate plans to cross the stupid Eiffel Tower off my Paris list.
We meet halfway, around the Seine via metro. Jesus, just call it the St. Laurent and Paris can be a Montreal clone. Link at a coffeeshop, grab a pastry, I figure out the stupid Velib app finally (theres a button at the TOP LEFT for any potential Paris visitors, that lets you input profile information, and it’s just that easy, maybe I was drunk the previous night. I did pregame for a chess tourney, sue me!), and we go for a really enjoyable bike ride.
I think that’s how I know I’m old as fuck. My parents used to love going for family bike rides back in Calgary. Chinatown dimsum, PEI park, etc, def the stuff you enjoy more as an adult, and now I guess I’m one of them, fuck. Paris bike ride was great, breeze flowing through your hair, some cool monuments to look at, watching the occasionally mega-hippy Paris lad with dreadlocks try to roller skate down the not-so-smooth Paris bike paths and secretly hoping he’d eat shit.
Now I’m out here admiring the architecture. Some of the statues are pretty cool, and I’m in serious danger of becoming cultured. But we have a mission in mind; skip all the garbage and get to that iron monstrosity that is the Eiffel tower. And we do.
Make decent time, prob about a fifteen to twenty minute bike ride. Notable about Paris: compared to Montreal Island the actual cityscape is massive. I’d loosely guess close to twice the size. I’m guessing through drunk Bixi minutes compared to sober Velib one’s, but I can’t be that far off.
We park the bikes and amble off, small detour where C points out her grandma’s house, and here we are. Well, I mean, I guess it’s a tower. Hundreds, or thousands, of tourists, just fucking everywhere, queued up in this insane line for the tower. This would be a recurring theme for the major Paris tourist attractions; call it French Tulum, it’s overrun by idiots, and nobody’s got time for this.
We check at the ticket booth, and it turns out due to the capacity, we can each pay 20 EUROs for a ticket, to walk the stairs, to go halfway up the tower. Fuck that. If C works out we’ll go when I’m back in Paris, and we’ll go early; I’m not a halfway kinda guy. All-in to the top, or fuck off.
So we opt out of the tourist cesspool, and I get a hold of Vidy, who’s staying at Imge’s nearby. Sit down at a nearby cafe to wait for him, but because C doesn’t want to order a drink (I’m keen for some 1pm cocktails), the stuck up waiter in his stupid summer tuxedo jorts (I have no idea how to describe his outfit, but it’s dumb, like him) clears us off. Like for fuck’s sake bud, I’d order 2 drinks and she can have a sparkling mineral water. But C is a bit wary (cheap) when it comes to tourist traps and probably saves me 30 Euros.
Vidy walks in a bit late while we are sitting on a bench, rolling up with a girl who definitely does NOT look like the Imge that I remembered from school. It’s been like 12 years (though I’m reminded that I saw them once, briefly, for a couple hours in the interim, while smashed), but the girl definitely does not look dark skinned like a Turkish woman. Embrace Vidy warmly, he’s put in the effort to catch me and fam over the years, beautiful brown-skinned bastard who just floats effortlessly through social circles. Probably has more friends than Deanna and I combined, which is insane, he’s just an absolute legend who it’s impossible not to fall in love with the second you catch his easy-going vibe.
“Imge” is a bit more problematic. But in my head, that’s who he’s with. So I greet her with a hug and a “hello Imge”. Gamble does not pay off; it turns out its his gf V who I’ve apparently met once three years ago or something. I was probably smashed because I have zero recollection, but to be fair, I’m pretty shit with names in general. Oops.
Anyways, Vidy and V are here on a little couples getaway that coincides with my trip perfectly. Almost too perfectly. Vidy’s a stalker, ya heard it here first. But to be fair, hopping around Europe is way too easy and cheap. I’d be travelling all the time if we weren’t getting pegged by carrier oligopolies across Canada.
We agree to take a double-date (HOPEFUL) stroll down the Seine. Stop for some pastries, and C refuses to buy water at the pastry shop, but literally holds up a line for 30s guzzling water out of a public fountain, making me laugh my ass off. The day is glorious. It really evokes memories of simpler times back in Montreal, years and years ago.
V+V inform us that they’ve booked a burlesque show for the next day, and C + I are super down. I’m all about entertainment; I’ll chat your ear off, but after a few hours I need that sweet sweet mental stimulus or something to do; activities for life!
Walk is good, Vidy and I catching up, the ladies bonding fairly quickly, and I’m not too perturbed by the fact we are walking past all the same stuff we just biked past. C points out landmarks and gives us some details while doing her best tour guide impression. Couple years ago, I’d say, “some statues, some buildings, fuckin’ who cares, things built by man are boring for the most part”.
I mean I think I’d lose my mind at The Great Pyramids, and The Coliseum in Rome (watched Gladiator too many times drunk with Jeff over the years), but other than that, I kinda just always saw buildings as a testament to a bunch of pretentious architects going full Roark, who never understood how physics works or basic efficiency. But I think I’m starting to come around and understand that of course they get the rules; it’s only once you have them mastered that you can get away with breaking them. It’s art, duh. I’d still prefer to watch a lion chase a gazelle, but the appreciation for culture is inexorably starting to creep in on me. Gross.
So we walk through, admire the scenery. Vidy and I crack immature jokes like we are 18 year old’s back in McGill and it’s fabulous. Pass by the “boats” docked on the Seine where the burlesque show will take place the next day, joke about how bad we all need to take a piss, cut up through the city center. It’s a national holiday for France (one of their fifteen labor day equivalents, where it’s illegal to work, might have to move here but I’d prob die of lung cancer), and we pass by a perfume shop that’s having a small party.
Oh, I forgot to mention, we tried to take a pee at a very fancy hotel and got declined based on dress code, we stopped for a drink or two on the way, and we scooped my Uni / poker buddy Aniel, who’s Albanian but lives in Paris now. Really nice guy, we didn’t get to catch up as long as I’d like, but he was very game to be part of the crew and catch up with me, he’d departed Mtl maybe a year prior and is just an all around good dude.
So the perfume shop has free lemonade and water. C’s fucking all over it, first into the shop, just swigging away like she owns the place. I’m a bit more hesitant; we’re thirsty, but I’m not taking free shit unless I’m buying something in the store, and I’m not buying perfume. I mean no one is, but the scents are nice and the people are friendly. Feels to me like we’re crashing a family gathering, but my sentiment’s not entirely shared by the group. Live DJ set playing some electronic chill music, nice vibe, but we mosey on, stop by a by-the-roll dim-sum shop, and then try to plan our night.
We decide to hit the top of the mountain for a drink and a view of the city, and then send some dinner plans, but hiccup; C again wants to bail and shower after a long day. Fuckin’ hell. I’m not overly disturbed but I do have a lot I wanna say to her, and after last night, not sure if I’ll get the chance tonight either if she’s tired after the shower . But it’s sunny, I’m in Paris, I’m with really good friends I haven’t seen in forever, and we’re gonna make a night outta it.
We take a million stairs and climb a thousand hills, and the 4 of us (Vidy, V, Ani, myself) make it to the top. Just fucking packed with tourists too, but we find a patch of grass to sip some beers, and take in the incredible view. Fuck I’m old.
I mean but what a view. You can see the entire city. Makes sense there’s infinite tourists clogging the place, you get an idea of just how vast and deep Paris is. You don’t get that in NA, there’s something about the richness of the history here, grandparents grandparents grandparents ancient ancestors just duking it out on the soil for this patch of land. Cities rising in abundance, stone piled onto stone, and it just laying here, and growing, for about a dozen centuries. My favorite building is the ugly pristine black one that stands out like a sore thumb, an iconic New York hedge fund looking building amidst the caveman polished stone, a big fuck you to the rest of the cityscape… but I’ve always been a bit of a contrarian, probably my mom’s genes. If everyone hates a building, I will love it.
Sun is setting, on a day that’s been pretty much perfect, I talk a bit more with V + V + A about the C situation, about how much I love them, about how I should have come to Europe years ago to see some of my best friends in the world. Something I’m starting to realize, that’s so obvious… the ones who reciprocate the effort, the one’s where it’s effortless because it’s just so natural and obvious that you should be hanging… are really the ones who mean everything. Fuckin’ love these guys.
Our dinner plans are scuffed due to an extremely long line, A takes his departure, but the rest of us find a suitable replacement and C manages to link back up with us for some asparagus and ice cream. She fuckin’ loves ice cream, to the point where it just makes me happy watching her munch away at it. Big sweet tooth. To be fair, she’s not wrong, at this resto, it was probably the best ice cream I’ve ever had in my life.
What I’m less impressed with is the “Filet Mignon”. I’ve had an idea floating around in my head, of sitting in a cafe, smoking, drinking a wine, and munching some Steak Frites since I got here… and I kinda just skimmed the menu before pulling the trigger on a suspiciously cheap filet mignon thinking I could fulfill the dream. It’s fucking pork. Come on now, these guys make a killing scamming NA tourists. No juicy thick steak wrapped in bacon, it’s a bunch of pieces of pork cut into medallions, some tourist trap bullshit. I should have heard alarm bells ringing when I asked for medium-rare and he said I couldn’t choose how they cook it (I figured it was a proud French chef sort of deal), but what a fucking scam.
But fuck it. C is loving life with the ice cream, the rest of us are just having one of those close friend chats where you realize you’ve spent half your life away from the people that really matter, and the evening is incredible. We’re outside, the bill is fine, and life is good. We lock in evening plans for the show the next night, and I offer to walk C home; part ways with V+V and then it’s just C and I.
She’s not much of a drinker, and it really could have just been a walk home. But the best thing about getting older is how you start learning how to prioritize your own feelings and stop tippy toeing around bullshit; live through mistakes, not regret. I tell her I want to have a chat and we make a pitstop halfway on a terrace towards her home. Order a mojito and she grabs a water; this is going to be thematic of the trip.
I think from my side, I sorta just numbed myself a bit with regards to our whole prior dating experience. Still a little heart broken, you find a nice one, but you know it’s going to end at a set date, and it’s hard not to automatically check out, at least a little. But then in spite of the walls you’ve thrown up, she starts to creep in… and then as it’s building up, boom, just like that, she’s gone. Maybe forever. A bit jarring really. Kinda ironic that in life it’s often a lot easier to appreciate a good thing once it’s gone (not to say that I didn’t while it was happening). Maybe should work on appreciating the present more, but I think I’ve been getting better at that. Though I do have a habit of looking back at all my memories, particularly of people, with rose tinted goggles.
We run through it all, my thoughts, my feelings.. we catch up properly, and there are some emotions, but it’s nice. Interrupted for about fifteen mins by an old classmate of hers who pops by, and half the conversation swaps to French in the middle of the deepest part (fuck sakes haha), but I’m ok with it. Really nice dude, just funny timing.
Anyways, I don’t wanna exaggerate or underrepresent the situation with goofy jokes. I think a core point is that, she has some feelings, but doesn’t consider me particularly reliable, and has a bitttt of a problem with my drinking. L did as well. Well, fuck right off! Haha ok I don’t mean that. I mean they have a point, but at the same time, I’ve grown a bunch since dating both of ’em; think I actually have a pretty good handle on it these days.
She’s in good shape, I’m on what could be my last dumb trip of a lifetime, we’re in a good place and are planning to hang out the rest of my Paris jaunt. She’s come out of a breakup a few months prior, and leaning much more towards just being friends. Of course I have some dreams of this being a Paris love story (I really am a bloody romantic), but I’m honestly ok with friends too; it’s just really nice to see a person I care about a lot doing well, and getting to spend a few days catching up.
Anyways, I walk her back to her parents flat in Paris. An absolutely gorgeous flat. Gorgeous enough that I start to jokingly tease her a bit about how she let me cover rent for both of us for the year ish that we lived together (just tease though; have sort of been raised from the old school mentality that the man should provide, and I was working while she was in school. She did cover groceries). Fuck, maybe we should get married!
She gives me the tour, and we chat a bit more. She’s in her bed, and I’m sitting respectfully in a chair away from the bed. We’re chatting a bit more, about the past, about the days we spent apart, about the future. No more pouring the heart out, it’s just a fond, cozy, chat. A look comes into her eyes, a certain kind of look, and she asks me to come sit on the bed with her. Ask if she’s sure given our whole conversation at the bar prior. She’s sure, and I make my way over. We kiss and it’s magical, whole thing just dripping in nostalgia. Passion, regret, reconciliation… just holding and kissing someone you care about deeply. I missed her, a lot, and probably more than I realized; in life, sometimes you have to stuff those feelings deep down in a box to keep putting one forward in front of the other.
Funnily enough, those feelings really did start to resurface about a week before the trip. Just swapping texts, getting excited to see each other again… I remember when I got to the airport a day ahead of my flight, I wasn’t upset about the fact I was a dumbass and didn’t check my ticket properly. I was upset that I was going to get to spend one less day with her.
Additional aside: I didn’t end up meeting her parents the whole trip. Which felt a bit wrong, I definitely would have liked to, but they were out of town for a few days and timing just didn’t work out. Initially I was invited to stay at their place (which I definitely should have accepted), but it felt a little bit weird (improper?) for me to accept in advance, since we were exes and not dating.
Which means that I have to make my way back to the hostel. C’s parents flat was fairly far central / North, and my hostel is all the way back on the southern outskirts of Paris (Gentille). I started walking back, but after about twenty mins, I got a little bit tired of walking and decided to hop on the metro. Should be easy right?
I was only two stops away from my station, and we stop by the first one without a hitch. But instead of stopping at my station, the train proceeds to skip the next three stations. I have no idea what’s happening, and then finally, I figure out that the faded lights on the display for the middle three stops mean, “TRAIN DOESNT STOP HERE”. Cool.
So I get out at the first stop I can. It’s about 2am and now I’m way the fuck south of Paris. Middle of buttfuck nowhere, and to make matters worse, I have about 3% battery on my phone. Getting stuck out on the streets overnight is a serious risk, but luckily, there’s at least one last train headed north, in about twenty mins. So I ride the train all the way back, and get out one stop closer to the one I initially boarded the first one (the 3 stops are skipped overnight or something). My phone dies partway through the walk back, but luckily I have my wits about me and manage to navigate my way back to the hostel. Buy some smokes from a cornerstore (would later find out these are sold illegally), and crash out exhausted after one of the best days I’ve had in recent memory.
Paris (Day 3.)
More kebabs for lunchski. C is busy during the day but we have plans to see the burlesque show later, and I want to give V+V some space to have their own Paris romantic adventure. I’m also fiending for some chess. So after I eat, I head out towards Park Luxembourg.
I also shoot messages to Axel, Sahit, and Mikhail; they’re all around my rating and would def give me some good games. Sahit and Mikhail are busy, and Axel has some lessons to teach, but he will be free later on, and we make plans to link up at Blitz Society around 4 or 5.
I pull up to the park around 2pm, and start sweating a few different boards, trying to figure out if there are any decent players, and if I can weasel my way into the rotation. I initially have these old guys picked out, but then I notice that one player has hung a rook. When his opponent doesn’t take the rook on his next turn, I turn away in high-ELO disgust, and look for stiffer competition.
I do in fact manage to find some. A group of three guys around my age, maybe younger, are rotating in and out. Moves are coming out fast and crisp, the positions and ideas make sense… it’s easy to spot strong players fairly quickly. I strike up a convo with them from the sidelines, and ask if any of them are strong; the Asian lad who is clapping his buddies asks if I have a title. I have to say that I do not; I really need to get back to playing some classical at some point. Maybe I’ll add Kosovo onto my tour; it’s next door to Albania, cheap as hell, and they run some big international chess tourneys. But I do drop my 2500 chess.com rating on the park bros, and it’s enough for them to let me into the rotation.
Asian smacks the dude with a British accent around, and then I’m up against him. He’s also around 2500 on chess.com and is providing some stuff resistance, but he inexplicably hangs a piece early, and I convert fairly easily. Plenty of banter with the boys throughout, and I work my way through the rotation of the other two players without much trouble to come back to Asian lad.
At this point we have a nice group of maybe 5 or 6 voyeurs, checking out the best blitz in the park. But it’s park blitz, not overly serious, and after I drop my next game to the Asian when my attack fizzles, I ask the lads if they want a beer. I get a few yesses, and spend my time in the rotation running out to the store to grab a six pack.
Closest store is about two blocks away, but unfortunately it’s more of a wine store, and only has craft beers. Six pack runs me 24 Euros. With the Canadian dollar in the shitter, this is a big ouch. But it’s all they have and I’m not gonna run around, so I grab em and bring them back to my new friends. We spend an hour or two swapping stories and putting some games of varying skill up on the board, and it’s a great time.
I invite them to Blitz Society, but they all have plans that night. British lad is playing a tournament in the south somewhere, and thanks us all for the warmup before departing. We wish him luck against the army of underrated kids he’s going to have to take on (RIP his ELO), and I part ways from the group myself to meet Axel at the chess club.
We play a few games, I buy him a beer on my gift card (no idea how I’m going to spend it all), and we shoot the shit while swapping games back and forth. He’s a chess coach, super passionate about chess, and just a really cool guy in general. I invite him out to the show, but he has plans to hit the club later on; under normal circumstances I’d probably join him, but I’ve got a burgeoning romance with C to explore, and this will be the calm leg of my trip.
Meet up with C near the Seine, we grab ice cream, and then mosey our way over riverside. The burlesque show opens at 9pm, and it’s taking place on a boat. We are expecting to see V+V roll up any minute, but they are on European time and running late, so we pile into the boat with all the other viewers.
There’s a stage in the bottom deck of the boat. A lot of the middle rows are full, but the front row is very suspiciously sparse / empty. C grabs my hand and drags me right up front and center; I’m pretty convinced there’s a reason why they are empty and protest a bit, but in the end we sit down. Suspect C may have a bit of voyeur in her haha.
The boat is rocking a little in the weather, it’s dark, and it’s a little hot and humid inside. I’m sure at least a couple people got seasick. But my sea-legs aren’t bad for a ‘Berta boy, and soon enough the red curtains open up and we have our first act.
There are 8 acts total, with each performed going twice. Starts with some very classical cabaret with ferns type shit, we hit actress #2 who is rocking some insane assets (C said she’d never seen breasts that big before), and then for act 3, we have an amazing gay male sailor performance, pipe and all. Mime meets Popeye?
Lots of laughs, raucous applause, plenty of amusement and spectacle throughout. The coolest act of the night is insane though, definitely cirque du soleil quality. The stage is pitch black, and a woman comes out in almost no clothing, but she’s nothing more than a silhouette in the darkness.
In sync with the music, she twists around, the faintest outline of human form. Opens a couple of cans on the floor in front of her, and a bright, white, glow in the dark paint shines from both. Dips two paintbrushes into the paint, which you can only see once the paint starts coating them, and begins to apply the paint to her body.
Gasps in the crowd and more applause follow, she’s painting slowly, with both hands, symmetrically. Dramatic splotches followed by long, slow, thin strokes, it’s a testament to art and the human form. An outline around her body soon appears, and soon after she’s started on the contours on the interior of her body; breasts, thighs, belly. The music has been soothing, melodic, and peaceful as she finishes the first phase.
The calm is shattered as the music takes a more violent, dark turn. Now instead of an appreciation of her body, it’s an artistic rejection of it. Insecurity, loathing of the self, in the face of society’s unrealistic expectations for the female form. She’s angrily splattering wads of paint over herself, crossing out the lines she’s drawn, her once smooth and precise movements giving way to spastic fits of rage and chaos.
I can’t precisely say why it spoke to me so much, but it was insanely powerful, and beautiful. She ends the performance on her knees, head bowed, destroyed by her insecurities, paint fuckin’ everywhere, and the small room is filled with deafening applause. Extremely emotional performance, I think V+V were both in tears. I was close. Best 20 Euro’s I’ve ever spent on a show. Cultured Brando indeed.
We hang out with V + V and their one friend they brought along for a quick drink afterwards, but everyone is pretty bagged. C has seen my sad hostel setup, and probably at least partially out of pity, has said that I can crash at her place for the next two nights. It’s an offer that I’m happy to accept, and we hang out a bit more before calling it a night.
Ok, now I’m caught up on the first round of COVID Mexico, and I can finally start weaving the words together on my current adventures. I’m excited to share and a little bit wine drunk, so buckle in.
Paris. How did I end up there? To be completely honest, I’m doing this whole Europe thing on a shoestring budget. Call it a midlife crisis, after I quit Ubisoft (after working fucking seven years there), I got a job as a video game dev at Behaviour Interactive.
(If you wanna skip to Paris, hop down this post to the Paris – Day 1 Section; this turned into a bit of a ramble about work).
I did a year and a half there on a new IP. As a senior game dev, in Unreal (game engine), that they promised they’d train me in. Hired as a gameplay programmer, and they chucked me into a role as the UI senior dev. So take away all my gameplay experience, put me into a boring fucking job I didn’t apply for making buttons and menus, in an engine I don’t know, and ask the world of me.
But I was on a bit of a high. I had finally said fuck you to Ubisoft, escaped the monotony of five years on Rainbow Six Siege post-launch… I studied for a month for interviews, and got three offers to make about 35% more. You should all quit your jobs, they’re fucking you. They will bleed the years of your life dry, and give you the least they can. Welcome to capitalism.
I worked my ass off at Behaviour to catch up. I worked my ass off like I never have before. I actually fucking tried. And it wasn’t enough. Behaviour is known for exactly one IP, Dead by Daylight. It’s kind of a trash game to be honest, probably could have been cobbled together by four dipshits in their mom’s basement, but it found a niche amongst horror lovers and funded the whole studio.
So not knowing any of this, I took the job there. 7 weeks of vacation, staff kitchen cooking free lunches every day, and a flexible remote schedule, not to mention it was about three blocks from my apartment. Cushy as hell. I had a friend working there in the marketing department, and I was counting on him to introduce me to the cute ladies at the first 5a7. That’s a CINQ A SEPT, or happy hour, for you non Frenchies.
They fired him first. Before our first 5a7 sadly, so no introductions for me. I don’t think the dude is a genius, but he’s not dumb, and to boot, he’s super lovable, friendly, and works his ass off.
At Ubisoft, it was basically impossible to get fired; the only person I ever saw get laid of was a dev tester buddy, and he would regularly show up to work at 11am. Then Pokemon Go came out, and we’d go out on lunch break catching Pokemon… I’d come back to the office, but buddy would sometimes stay out the rest of the work day. Catching Pokemon! I guess he got addicted or something, wouldn’t surprise me if he actually caught them all. It took Ubi about six months of this to finally lay him off.
So my buddy gets shitcanned at my new company without a ton of justification, and that’s the first sign of trouble to me. Because the dude can obv crush a marketing job, it’s Dead by Daylight, everyone already knows the fucking game. Marketing, what marketing? They do collabs with famous horror movies / novels and rake in the cash. MTX, grind those microtransactions baby (oh how far the game dev industry has fallen into corporate bullshit since the glory days of early Blizzard, Westwood Studios, etc…)! Robo-pilot that shit and collect cheques, some corpo politics involved maybe, who fucking knows.
Anyways, I get to the first 5a7 a month in and have made friends already with a few of the devs. I convince half the programming team to come out to a local bar nearby afterwards, and we just get shitfaced. Including the team lead T. Fuck, I was going to tell the Paris story and this whole thing is a preface to it. Sorry not sorry.
So we get really fucking drunk at this local bar I love, Melrose, I get half the dev team wasted. We get some discounts, and everyone loves me for it. Putting the team in teambuilding baby! BUT, I miss the prog Teams call in the morning. I admit it was because I was hungover on death’s door (like a fucking idiot; I’m way too honest sometimes. though to be fair, T was at the bar with us so it’s pretty obvious what happened).
T has it out for me at that point. I mean, it doesn’t help that I’m frantically playing catchup with Unreal; my “training” was an online course they threw at me that I got fucking 2 days to look at before they chucked me in the deep end of the pool. “Please architect an entire feasible UI framework with zero Unreal knowledge, here’s a ten day course we will give you 2 to look at, GO”! I do like a challenge though.
Actually, funny story, my first day at BI was on the entirely wrong project; they didn’t even know what team I was supposed to be on. Instant chemistry with the lead for that project, he seemed like an absolute beauty, but sadly it was not to be.
Long story short BI busted on a game called “Meet Your Maker”. They met their maker, the game completely flopped, and BI missed annual revenue projections across the board by about 70%. Welcome to game dev. Except as a large, non-publicly traded Indie company, that tends to have some consequences.
So they’re just firing people left right and center… in the middle of an acquisition of 3 UK studios, that go through because the paperwork is signed. I’m training some of the UK juniors, and honestly, at least 2 or 3 of them probably deserved to get shit canned. I have no idea how they got hired in the first place; without being an asshole, objectively, reviewing their code had me thinking they should be flipping burgers at McD’s. We’re talking code that barely compiles, makes no sense, and doesn’t even come remotely close to closing the JIRAs. Those were the first to go, but the rest of the juniors soon followed… really makes me wonder why management wasted my time training them.
Game dev is saturated by kids with a glow in their eyes, happy to think they’ll be making their favorite game of all time, and ok getting paid jack shit for it. My intermediate and junior on the UI team were fucking rock solid programmers with plenty of Unreal experience, absolutely loving it, and making like 60-70% of my salary. Loved working with those guys; they definitely should have been Senior / Intermediate. At a certain point it becomes tough to compete value wise though, when it’s a race to the bottom. The guys could easily be making close to double what they are if they were valued properly; if I was running a company on a slippery slope, I’d be cutting myself first too.
Company struggling, cuts made, and in the end, I got snipped. Third broad round of layoffs, but at least I survived the first 2. T had said that she would have shitcanned me by Xmas (they actually fired my original team lead, who had spent the whole year telling me I was doing great, right before yearly evals), but she saw me working my ass off and decided to keep me around a while longer because of it. Very morale boosting, thanks T! Production schedule for an important milestone was a mess, and I pulled some long hours to make sure that we got everything on the in-game HUD running crispy clean; we pulled off the milestone UI side without a hitch, and I can honestly say I was proud of that.
I’ll say this one thing; all the nights that I was working overtime, T was right fuckin there in the office plugging away with me. Last two at the office every night, for about a month and a half straight. 8pm, 9pm, etc. I have no idea what she was doing; not sure who you can be emailing to make the work done better/harder/faster/stronger while producing nothing (don’t get me started on the management class in general), but she was putting in the hours as well, not asking anyone to do something she wasn’t willing to do, and I respect the fuck out of her for that.
So finally, laid off, as part of a cohort, with a very healthy severance. Might have been the final straw for me with the corporate world / management bloat. I had just tried my ass off at a new job, and failed. With me putting in 100% effort, which is rarer than it should be. Took about a month after that for L to break up with me, and we’ll unpack that nuclear bomb another time, but all together, I’d just had enough, and desperately needed an excuse to shake things up a bit. (I’ll fill in more on the interim period between then and Europe another time.
My friend from Uni / poker buddy D had invited me to come to Greece, but he changed his mind last minute and wanted to send Albania instead. I was initially skeptical, but I have a couple of really good uni friends here, cost of living looked promisingly low, and so I said fucki it, we booked an AirBnb for May, some flights, and my midlife crisis officially began.
Never been to Europe as an adult, but it turns out that with all the Frenchies flying back and forth, the cheapest ticket into Europe from Montreal is through Paris. Had at least one person I wanted to see there, so I decided to fly through Paris and see the Eiffel Tower. Which is how this story actually begins, holy fuck that was a big dump, but in the end we got there.
Paris Day 0:
You guys are going to ask how Day 0 can be a thing. I fucked up big time. I booked a flight, I booked a hostel, I told my Paris ex, C, that I was coming today. I get to the airport, try to enter my flight reservation, and can’t find it in the terminal. I’m trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, I’ve already subletted my place… and it turns out that my flight isn’t until the next day.
Cab back home, drive of shame, down eighty bucks, and remind myself not to be completely retarded.
Paris Day 1:
Ok. So holy shit, after all the hassle, I get on the fucking plane. It takes off, we fly in the air for a few hours, and all of a sudden I’m on the other side of the world.
Well maybe not all of a sudden. It’s an overnight flight, and I was planning to catch some sleep. But there’s a baby on the plane that cries for the first half of the flight, and then in the second half, an old dude two aisles over hits the deck.
Flight attendants chuck all the lights on paging for a doctor; they have oxygen out and a defibrillator on standby. Pretty lucky they didn’t have to use the defib, because I have some serious doubts that the EMT and Doc who answered the call actually knew how this model worked, based on the parts of the convo I could catch. Everyone in the section watching intently like it was a live theater version of Grey’s Anatomy. I’d call em sick fucks, but I have some dark, grumpy, sleep deprived thoughts of my own. If you’re going to die, you could at least die in silence and quickly, so the rest of us can get some fucking shut eye (yep, I’m burnin’ in Hell boys). Obviously didn’t really mean it though.
A little sleep deprived, we reach the other side of the world; except it kinda feels like we never left Montreal. It smells like Oldport. It sounds like the Oldport. It looks like Oldport. I went from a land of Frenchies to another land of Frenchies with proper grammar. Actually, funny aside; I realized that I can in fact speak French through pure osmosis, after living in mtl for 12 years. It’s the Montrealer’s who can’t speak French, tabernac esti, they cram four words at a time into one and make a beautiful language make zero sense. I spoke French in Paris about 80% of the trip and I fucking killed it.
C is at the airport waiting for me. She joked that she couldn’t make it last minute via text, which got lost in translation and made for a confusing arrival, but holy fucking shit, she showed up to play. We’d talked the week leading up, and she said she’d grab me from the airport… and she just looks stunning. Glowing skin, beautiful dress and heels, petite with pretty brown eyes. Oof. She did preface this trip by saying we would be “just friends”. But shows up dressed like that; to be honest, not sure she ever wore makeup or heels around me the entire time we dated. But now that we’re friends… Fackin’ women eh boys?
Brief history, we dated about a year total while she was studying abroad, but it was always with the knowledge she’d return to Paris after, so even though she lived with me, we always knew it’d have an end. Amicable breakup, and it’s the first time we’ve seen each other in over five years.
When you’re landing in a foreign country, the people who welcome you are everything. I didn’t understand that until I felt it myself; she certainly didn’t have to scoop me at the airport, but it was one of the sweetest things I’ve experienced in a long time. She also has an ice coffee and pastry for me for breakfast, which was fantastic; delicate, a little crumbly, touch of chocolate… Frenchies don’t fuck around when it comes to baking.
We figure out train tickets to get back into the city, and we catch up a bit; it’s been five or six years and we can’t possibly get through it all. She has to bail for a bit for a family event, and gets off halfway, but just the fact that she came all the way out to grab me speaks volumes about her. And I suppose us I guess. Fingers crossed!
Anyways, I get to my metro stop. I booked a hostel with a private room thinking it would be like Mexico. It was not, at all. Front desk and the public area is fine, but the rooms are trash. Right on the southside of Paris, Jo and Joe, Gentilly… nothing is gentle about the actual living space.
My “room” consists of a hallway door on the fifth floor, that leads into 4 separate doors to “rooms”. Rooms is in quotes because they are a 2×4 entrance with a bed. It’s a bunkbed, and I have a top bunk, with the lower bunk in the other “room”, and some person crashing directly underneath me, separated in the middle by the build of the bed. No aircon, one light, a very very tiny area to walk into, and a ladder up to the bed. Obviously the bathrooms / showers are communal as well. Still don’t know how nobody walked in on me ass naked, should have brought a soap bar just to complete the prison experience. Might be over hostels for a while.
I don’t have any super concrete plans in Paris. C won’t be free until later that night, and another extremely good friend of mine from McGill, Vidy, isn’t in town until tomorrow (super lucky that our trips overlapped). Obviously I have some ideas about checking out the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, etc, but I’m actually more interested in visiting a chess bar I’ve seen some of the famous streamers frequent, Blitz Society. I’m hoping to be able to play in at least one speed chess tourney and throw down.
The day is nice enough, so I decide to walk it up. Grab a quick bite at one of four shawarma joints just outside the hostel, and kick off what will be a forty or fifty minute walk. I do spend about ten minutes trying to figure out Velib, which is the Paris equivalent of Bixi (public bike rental service), but the app is designed poorly and the actually kiosks with the bikes are extremely confusing. Fuck the bikes, we’re walking boys.
It’s probably about 1pm, and my walk takes me through Luxembourg Park, where I’ve heard there are sometimes blitz games being played. Pass a couple of cool statues, and get a chance to try using one of the public urinals (they are very strange looking, extremely tight spaces where you piss into a waterfall; splash risk seems extreme, but I guess they get the job done).
The park is gigantic, with a couple sets of tennis courts, and I’m not spotting any chess, though there are a very large amount of people of working age that seem to just be loafing around, at 1pm on a Wednesday. I would chirp the work ethic of the French, but maybe they have it figured out better than us NA dogs, and it’s not like I’m working a “real job” right now either.
I do eventually spot a couple of chess games going. But it’s literally only a couple, there are a few old dudes slugging it out at one board, and about twelve youngers guys crowded around a second board. Tempted to ask them for a game, but it’s just way too many people and not enough boards. I watch for a few minutes and ballpark their Elo’s as being a complete waste of time for me anyways, and continue moving on towards Blitz Society.
It doesn’t open up until three, so I end up killing a bit of time drinking a beer on a terrace and smoking a cigarette. I was planning on quitting while out in Europe, but it’s going to be hard; they let you smoke everywhere, and terrace smokes feel damn good.
Blitz Society’s location is a little bit weird, it’s almost this hole in the wall in an alleyway off of one of the main roads, but the interior is quite nice. It sort of has a classy cocktail lounge feel to it, except that every single table has a board and clock set up. There aren’t too many people there yet, since I walk in about ten minutes after it opens, but a few games are going. I check them out briefly but the games don’t look that serious, and I turn my attention to the hostess / waitress. Fairly attractive blonde woman in her early thirties, slender with a warm smile, probably Ukranian or something.
Order a beer (obviously), and ask her what the tournament schedule is this week. It turns out that the only proper blitz tournament is actually happening later tonight (5+2 time control). She asks if I was interested in the Under-1400 tourney on Saturday (just a littleeeee below my level) or am interested in taking lessons, which are a requirement for the Sunday 10+5 tourney. I’m certainly not interested in lessons, I’m here to kick some ass, but I don’t give away my hand just yet.
I had really wanted to spend the first night catching up more with C, but the tournament runs from 7 to 9 this evening, and it’s going to be a bit of a stretch. I’m not crazy, if it was the last night chess would be taking a backseat, but it’s the ONLY tournament I can play in and I’ve got close to a week. I call her and check in with her, and she says that I should definitely play, and we can try to work something in after, maybe. Definitely keeping me guessing. So I obviously take her at face value and a green light, and let the hostess know that I’ll be back before the tourney starts; I’m exhausted and want to nap an hour or two so I can perform properly. At chess, obviously.
I end up cabbing back to the hostel, crash an hour as best as I can in the awful bed, and then make the return trip. Total damage is forty Euros; really need to figure out the metro and bike systems or this is going to be a short facking trip.
When I return to the club around 6:15pm, there’s a ton of action. About forty or fifty chess players are all milling around, running some skittles games, or making conversation and sipping wine. And honestly, it seems like a cool crowd; chess might still have a bit of a stigma attached, but I think there’s been a big improvement over the last ten years in terms of social skills and basic hygiene. This ain’t no basement D&D gathering.
I manage to get registered for the tourney without too much hassle (costs 22, 25 Euros maybe), and float around a bit. Make a few friends with some of the guys outside and chat with them hacking darts together. Some sort of Indian dude Sahit, and an eastern Euro type, Mikhail. Love meeting a Mikhail, Mikhail Tal is my favorite chess player of all time, and I take it as a good omen for the tourney. Both are good lads and we swap some short stories. Pretty sure both are in tech (what are the chancessss, at a chess tournament?).
Pairings are up. I have checked in with the tournament director already, they have everyone signed up with their official FIDE rating. I haven’t actually played a FIDE rated tournament since I was about 10 years old at the North American Chess Challenge (U-12), so my FIDE rating clocks in at about 1880 or something. Definitely some sandbagger energy; I’m pushing 2400, 2500 online. But other player’s ratings are similarly inaccurate, so I’m not going to sleep on anyone.
Prizes are a bit stingy; 1st is 100, 2nd is 50, and they have 2 class prizes for 50, but all 200 Euro’s of prizes are for gift cards to the resto bar we are playing in. There are about 35 runners in the tournament (over 700 Euros in entries), so these guys are just making a killing hosting these events. But I’m not here for the money, I’m here to bring Paris some Canadian justice.
I play some extremely good chess. I chop down my first 2 opponents with blistering attacks, straight out of my sketchy gambit opening repertoire. Some very nice games, it’s a shame I don’t have any of them recorded. But the games are a slaughter, just a barrage of pieces flying down the board at the opposing king and no quarter given; I’m feeling myself and that vacation energy.
I’m still chatting to Mikhail and Sahit in the breaks between rounds, and they are starting to realize that I might actually be good at chess. My opponents are also starting to take a bit more notice as well, though it doesn’t help them; I put down my 3th round opponent with relative ease.
Pairings go up for the 4th round in the seven round event, and at 3-0 I’m feeling like a million bucks. Starting to wish I wore my Chessbrah hat to represent the boys, but in the end I had opted not to. Sahit and Mikhail let me know that my next opponent, Axel, is the real deal; he’s got his name at the top of their classical tournament leaderboard, and is somewhere around 2100 FIDE, which isn’t particularly scary on it’s own; but he’s also apparently somewhere around 2600 on Lichess Blitz. Ok, we all know Lichess isn’t a real chess website, but 2600 is not an Elo to be slept on, and he’s also 3-0. We’re potentially playing for the tournament here on board 1.
I end up with the white pieces, and still manage to stumble and drop a pawn out of the opening. Fuck, one day I’ll put some work into my “real” openings. Some very light initiative as comp, but 5+2 plays a little like rapid, where these types of edges can actually be converted with enough precision. So I abandon my plans of playing a stable game and throw another pawn away to muddy the waters; minor pieces are dancing all over on both sides, but the action is taking place close to his king where I thrive.
Some more pieces come off, but finally he stumbles in the complications as we near a time-scramble type situation. My king is a bit loose, and I end up missing a killer, decisive blow, and am close to losing, but I find enough comp that we end up in a king-rook-1 pawn, vs king-bishop-2 pawns, and though we shuffle around a bit, the increment is enough for us to avoid serious blunders, and the game ends in a draw. I wasn’t happy to have missed the killing blow, but was lucky to save the game, my tiebreakers are looking good, and we have another 3 rounds vs the field to put some pressure on each other.
The next 3 rounds are all extremely messy for me. Solid play gives way to some loose pawns and blunders on both sides, but I’m finding a way to navigate the complications. I manage to flag a dude in the 6th round in a pretty drawn position despite the 2 second increment, and in the 7th round I flip a losing endgame with some precise moves to finish with a near-perfect 6.5/7.
Axel is still playing his 7th round game, after winning the last 2 for 5.5/6, and he’ll need to win to take it to tiebreakers. Any other result and I win the tourney. There’s not enough time to calculate who’s going to end up ahead if he succeeds, but I notice almost right away while sweating his game that he’s down 2 minors pieces for a rook, and his opponent has a very stable position with a nice edge on the clock. Their moves come in faster and faster, clock making that sweet “thwack” sound as each of them bangs it in rapid succession, big crowd of players who’ve finished their game watching intently to see if the local champ will manage to save his own game and the pride of their club.
And then it happens; in the time scramble, he manages to hang an exchange to a sneaky knight fork that just seemed like it was inevitable given the dynamics of the position, and just like that, the game is over. His opponent finishes 3rd on 6/7, and Axel is forced to settle out of the money on 5.5/7. Canadian justice is served, and we are 1-0 at taking down tournaments at the growingly prestigious Blitz Society. Next time I play there I hope to collect some properly titled scalps.
Plenty of the players congratulate me, I’m presented with my gift card, and I order a celebratory beer and panini on the house. The Ukranian hostess seems a little bit surprised that I’ve won, and dare I say it, a little impressed. Fuckin try to put me in an under-1400 section again, why don’t ya! Maybe I should have asked for her number (chess wheels!), but my mind is in other places.
The only dampener on the night is that after a long day out, C is feeling pretty wiped out. I had definitely set out for Blitz Society with a warrior’s intention to knock out the opposition across the board, and then ride the high into a conversation with Camille to sort out exactly where we stand.
But not in the cards. No biggie, I’m in Paris for six days. So we end up making plans to meet up the next day instead, and I stick around the club to hang out with some of the new friends I’ve made. I play a few 3+0 games with Axel, Sahit, and Mikhail. Much more casual now, I do drop a couple to Axel, and even the tournament director pops in for a couple games against me. I think it’s always fun to meet some new blood at the chess board; these guys have probably all been playing against each other for years. Exchange some numbers with the boys, and then decide that I might as well walk all the way home and get a good night’s sleep; Vidy is arriving tomorrow, and we have plans to all link up at some point.
Make the trek all the way home, sore feet be damned, and call it a night.
Quick note. It took me like a week to get through the first 2 Mexico posts from Facebook, it was fucking killing me. You just see your writing and seriously have to ask yourself if you’re teaching a disabled kid English. Past tense blended with present tense, spelling mistakes, it’s like dealing with a blind, low functioning, autist. Might as well throw a wheelchair in there too. So I’m not going to edit this one cause I’m jumping at the gun to send some words out into the world. Without further ado…
1) CR girls are actually around for one more day before they go back to Cancun and then home. We actually wrapped up the previous night around 1, and had made plans to go biking to a Cenote bright and early the next morning.
2) On the second day in Tulum, I managed to find some time to hit the grocery store (cooked us a few meals); of note was the armed security guard at the door, scary looking Mexican dude in full military getup and packing the most ridiculously large shotgun you could imagine. When I came back a second time a few days later he wasn’t there, so I’mpretty sure he was just there the first time to handle an ATM load-up. Note to self, don’t ever try to rob anything in Mexico, you’re guaranteed to get clapped.
Day 8 (Friday, Jan 15):
It’s an 8am wakeup alone in Jeff and I’s airbnb. Jeff is currently stranded out near the beach / hotel zone trappedin an awkward situation (hookup from the previous night / the girls he was out with and their boyfriends).
I’m poking Maria on IG to check in to see if we are still live for the cenotes (basically these underground cave / spring systems that are all the rage in Tulum), but there’s no reply; I kind of figure the girls definitely didn’t make the wakeup call, and end out passing out another few hours.
When I wake up, Jeff is back in the apartment. We swap war stories briefly, I’m a little bit tilted that Maria has basically ghosted me on her last day, and Jeff and I start planning the day.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I’ve thus far not managed to get a solid party night out with Deanna and Ashley (I missed them on their first night, and they KOed early the following night), and since they’re only around for a few more days, it makes sense to rally the degen squad back together. So Jeff and I hop into a five minute cab, and after getting lost a bit in an area slightly off the main strip of Tulum, we arrive at the ladies penthouse.
It’s a super nice Air BNB complex, yellowish siding that looks a bit faded, and we manage to climb up the five flights of stairs, where the girls are sitting in a tiny rooftop pool (think hot tub sized), blasting their standard gangster beats, and already well on their way to getting sauced. As I mentioned I’m tilted, so after sticking our 12 pack in their fridge it’s shotgun time for Brando.
We’re hammering Coronas, Modello’s, and between the four of us, we put down the girls 40 of whisky. Mostly just all catching up, with some interludes for a crappy drinking game I invent on the spot involving throwing bottle caps into a small jar they have on the table, as well as some multi floor “Extendos”. A lot of fun, but definitely a bit of a waste of beer, it’s fucking all over us.
At some point Jeff retires into their apartment for a brief nap to recharge, and I try and fail to make friends with a cool looking gecko which is clambering around the inner walls of the rooftop courtyard.
It’s really nice to be able to catch up and throw down with the friends we came with, and we get a solid pregame in until about 5 or 6pm, when we decide it’s time to make some moves on the dinner front.
We stop by my apartment to continue the pregame, and Jeff is in really rough shape. I take a brief step out to acquire him a source of energy (these subtle blow references were for gainfully employed Brando, fuck the corporate life!), which involves me getting momentarily scammed.
Seriously, these absolute fuckfaces tried to Tulum tourist me and give me twenty instead of the hundred I paid. I’ll pop off on this for a second… I was halfway back to the apt complex, and then I saw the bag. Texted the crew to let em know what was up and they all said to come back… but I let the hamster wheel spin, and it came down to this… it would be way more annoying for them to kill me then just hand out the rest of the product.
Seriously, killing someone must be a pain in the ass. So I went back. I was respectful. I let them know that they shorted me massively, and that I’d most likely come back, but I’d appreciate if they made it right. We’re talking back room of some sort of Mexican gangster house. The one dude says I have massive cahones, and the other dude just 5xes what they gave me in the first go around, so it worked out. Brando goes retarded in Mexico, I only have one sketchier moment and it’s on the Mexico trip next year.
Anyways, we leave the appartment for dinner fired up and ready to go. We decide to bring the girls out to the first restaurant we went to when we arrived in Tulum, Encanto Cantina, and I regret to inform you that it failed all previous expectations.
The same catch of the day dish is really just a bunch of average fish sitting on top of a mountain of gooey plantain, and the new live and is fucking awful. Everyone is feeling the effects of the last week of partying, and spirits are a bit low.
Ashley (the fucking princess!. Haha but nah she’s a beaut) barely touches her food and is tempted to roll back to the crib, but I convince her to come out to the next bar and do one more drink with us. I also get a message from Maria; some issue with her Sim card in the morning apparently, not super convincing, and they are planning to lay low for the night so that travel the next day isn’t terrible. Well, fuck it boys, at least I tried. Love’s not gonna find you, sometimes you gotta work for it.
The next bar is a dingy little spot on the street, honestly nothing remarkable about it. The 4 of us grab a table, and Yuri finally makes it out to meet us. We put away a couple of drinks and shots, and I make a quick run to the bank hoping to score some cash, but it ends up being a fairly frustrating experience; I stand in line for about 15 minutes while this one girl just completely fails to figure out how ATM technology works and holds everyone up. Her 3 friends, also shit faced, are unable to assist her, and I end up getting back to the bar and some grumpy friends, where we decide we need to get the fuck out of there before we all die of boredom.
We follow this up with a final bar, a dimly lit rooftop spot on the main strip, and after a few rounds of shots and some mixed drinks the crew has made a full recovery. I exchange a few pleasantries with a crew at the table next to us (the first other asians I’ve seen since I’ve been in Mexico!), and Ashley gets a chance to live out one part of one of her life goals (involving multiple midgets), the bar has at least one midget working for them, dressed up in an amazing gladiator costume, and at some point him and her are making out at our table. Fuck I’m reading this right now and it’s like I’m there. She’s making out with a midget in a gladiator costume, holy fuck, gooooo Ashley! Seriously lmao I forgot, this might have been the funniest fucking part of the trip.
A lotof people are enjoying the spectacle, I feel a little bad about all the attention being called to it, but it’s all good natured fun and the dude is jacked / obviously used to getting this sort of attention, so it’s not a big deal.
The night is young, and we’re now properly turned up; standard bars are closing, but thanks to Blackie from the previous edition, we know exactly where we’re headed next; Sport’s Bar. Holy fuck boys, we’re going to Sport’s Bar.
Sport’s Bar has nothing to do with sports, or a bar really. It’s basically an afterhours dance club straight out of some degenerates wet dream / trauma nightmare. Somehow there’s no line or cover to get in, we get in easy breezy, and Ashley has made a new friend the instant we step in the door (sticking her tongue in his mouth, good way to say hello).
The rest of us score some quick drinks at the downstairs bar, and ease our way into the absolutely packed dance floor where absolutely no fucks are given about COVID. Bathroom on the ground floor is exactly what you’d expect in a place like this, with a couple of salesmen (ok, fucking drug-dealers) running around and all the toilet stalls occupied, and Deanna, Jeff, Yuri and I find ourselves on one of the two upper deck railings while electro just pounds in your ears at 200 decibels.
Hot, sweaty, and the ratio is absolutely fucking terrible; it’s like every guy in Tulum came here with the same idea, but no one bothered to invite the girls to the party. I make this point in conversation with a seedy looking Mexican dude upstairs. We’re scouting the dance floor down below and he points out a pocket, a single pocket, of girls on the dance floor, out to me.
In my current state that’s enough for me, and I’m leading the charge down the staircase towards the last bastion of love and hope. Everyone is obviously shithoused and high out of their minds, and I manage to get in on the group; it’s a mixed group with some massive bearded dudes, and some cutie pies.
Looks like there’s a lone single blondie that I zero in on, and manage to snag a dance with her, but my club wheels have always been shit, and I find myself telling her at some point that I suck at dancing, which is a line that has never worked on any girl in the history of time. Holy fucking square wheels batman.
Doesn’t help that literally every guy in the club has the same idea; her girl friends are encouraging me to go for it, but if Attenborough was narrating this I’m pretty sure he’d be face palming. *British Accent* “And nowww, the male has performed the mating ritual, but she does not impressed. He will have to wait until next season if he wishes to forge any offspring”.
Anyways, everyone is just jamming out to the tunes, and I’m a little tilted that I’ve basically blown it with the only girl I was interested in there (at some point Deanna talked to her, and she told her she was a lesbian, which still doesn’t make sense to me since her friends were telling me to go for it), so I do the only thing that makes sense; it’s tarps off time!
FUCKING TARPS OFF BOYS, LETS GOOOOO.
So I peel off my shirt and just start jamming to the music, and I end up starting a fucking movement; in the next twenty seconds we have about 40 guys with their shirts off in the club.
Jesus fucking christ, what have I started, NOT LIKE THIS, not with this ratio. Feel someone dancing on me, look around and it’s a guy. Of course it’s a fucking dude.
Well, at least someone likes me. Pretty sure that gay Mexican dude had the time of his life, happy for him. Fucking guy could have at least bought me a drink first.
I attain local legend status when a couple of guys decide to try and get me to double extendo chug their beers (video below, spoiler, this is def where I got covid LOL), pretty much all ends up on my chest, but everyone is just going for er and it’s fun times.
Standard club shit for the next few hours, everyone is having a good time just rocking out, but it’s getting late (early). At some point left to hack a dart, and also escape all the body heat.
Come back in, and some super drunk dude that I bump into is trying to start shit with me. I’m still in good spirits and avoid any trouble, which is good (and rare for me, once I’ve hit a couple shots, hard liquor turns me into a dickhead)… less than a minute later a big circle has opened up and drunk cowboy hat dude is scrapping with some other kid. They both land a couple of solid shots, which is impressive cause there’s no way anyone was seeing straight at that point, and then the bouncers swoop in.
These bouncers are fucking scary. Big, bald, jacked Mexicans that no one wants to fuck with. One bouncer catches cowboy hat dude with a solid right, he goes down so fast, and then they’re bouncing his head off the concrete floor… honestly thought I was going to watch a murder in front of my eyes, but after he goes limp (holy fuck, I’m remembering it nowand it was fucking savage) the bouncer just one arm lifts him over his head like a sack of potatoes and they carry him out. Throw him out the door like he’s a sack of garbage. Self Note: never fuck with the bouncers in Mexico.
Yuri and Deanna have been making some conversation for part of this time. I gotta type an aside here; two of my fav people in the entire world. In some other universe there’s a Deezy and Yuri love arc. I’d fucking go to that wedding, he prob has a super hot sister who’s just fucking awesome.
We manage to find Jeff and decide that it’s time to go home, it’s gotta be like 7am at this point. We manage to exchange drunken goodbyes with Yuri (absolute legend, leaving the next day, will be sorely missed), and then Deanna, Jeff and I pile back to our Airbnb. We put down a final drink, and then pass out in our respective beds (Jeff has a bed in his room, I have my bed, plus some random bunk beds, which Deanna steals all my sheets into; with the aircon. I end up freezing my ass of that night, thanks D). LMAO I actually forgot this part, fucking sheet stealer. She’s an absolute gem though, def deserved the sheets.
Day 9:
Oof, the hangover. Don’t think it’s ever been worse. I mean I guess they are getting progressively worse.
Jeff, Deanna, and I manage to wake up fairly early in the morning, and decide we’ll head back to the girls place to scoop Ashley before heading to the beach. But Ashley has no intention of leaving the pool, Deanna gives up on the beach fairly quickly, and Jeff and I are pretty easy to convince to have a saucy lazy day, given our current states.
Ashley is still swapping text with her midget (man, one day I need the full midget saga out of her, I’m laughing my ass off rereading this), but Saturday ends up being a bit of a bust. We’re still goofing around and drinking on deck, but after some road side tacos for dinner (one of the cheapest, best meals we had), making any further plans just feels like a stretch. Turns out humans need some rest and water once in awhile.
We book an ATV jungle tour for the next day, and then Jeff and I make our way back to our own apartment for some proper rest. It’s only 11pm, and one of my last nights in Tulum, and I’m a little tempted to head back to the club, but I make the responisble choice and opt to play some online poker with friends and family to close out the night, and am probably asleep by 1.
Day 10:
Sunday funday is what they say. We’re all in much better shape, and we have an ATV tour through the jungle to the cenotes, which I’m excited for. So we grab a couple of drinks at the hostel bar while we wait for our tour bus to arrive.
Tour bus arrives at 2, and equipped with bug spray, a couple beers, and a bottle of wine, we set off in a north eastern direction up the highway, part of the way back to Cancun.
If Mexico ends up going into a zombie apocalypse, I know where I’m stocking up on gear. These guys have a full blown mechanics shop set up with about 20 ATVs, and at least 2 other tour busses with other riders pull up. The tour guide explains how everything works for his demo ATV, and then gets Deanna to “show everyone how it’s done”; of course, we’ve been paying half attention at most and she gets teased a little bit trying to figure out how to start the thing up. I’m picturing this now and it’s actually fucking hilarious, she’s up there with the dude in front of like twenty tourists, and just can’t start the thing, he literally JUST showed us how it all worked.
She’s a champ though, not perturbed at all. My face would have been red and on fire. After the initial hiccup it’s pretty smooth. These things can fly! We’re all lined up single file, ATV after ATV, down a bumpy dirt road in the jungle. Tour guide, Ashley, Deanna, myself, Jeff, and then the rest of the twenty deep crew.
I alternate between going really slow to let Deanna get some distance in front of me, and then just gunning the thing to see what it can do; definitely fast enough that it’s exciting, and on a slightly chillier day, the warm engine feels pretty nice on the legs. We rip a few kilometers down the forest path and arrive at the first cenote.
There’s a rickety staircase leading down into what would be a pitch black cave system, except for the fact they have it rigged up with some discount lights that feel like they were purchased at the dollar store. Stairs lead our group onto a platform, where the tour guides tell us we can swim if we want.
I managed to forget my swim trunks, so I strip down to my boxers, and then Jeff and I are headed into surprisingly warm (read; cold, but not freezing) water that reaches about chin height at the deepest spots. There are a few tiny fish that follow us around, and we’re able to take full advantage of the 30 minutes we have at this location to swim through the tunnels and explore the cave system. Definitely a little spooky, but there’s a group of Jamaican’s behind us that can’t swim (of course LOL) for some comedic relief, so it ends up being pretty ok.
When Jeff and I return surface side, we find Deanna and Ashley have popped their bottle of wine, so we join them for some drinks. Definitely felt like we were breaking the “no drinking on the ATV” rule, but the Jamaicans have popped and are crushing a bottle of rum to one up us (and let’s get real, it’s fucking Mexico), so it ends up being just fine.
Get told off for trying to hack a dart on my ATV as we cruise to the second cenote; the ATVs have their fuel valve on the top of the vehicle, so it was prob a bad idea anyways unless I want to turn into an Al Qaeda terrorist.
There’s no swimming at the second location; it’s all sweet water, which is basically the same spring water as before, but whereas the first caves water was clear, this one is all gunked up with some sort of mineral content. It’s called Cenote Jaguar; apparently Jaguars do come to the cave to drink and hunt at night.
We looked on the walk through the cave but didn’t spot any bats, which was a little surprising, since they seem to be everywhere a few days later (in Huatulco); you’d figure at least a few of them would, you know, live in caves to escape the sunlight during the day. Doing fucking bat things.
Fairly uneventful walk through the cave, an ATV ride back to the shop, and then we are on the tour bus back to the hostel. This is the last night in Mexico for the girls, so they want to Bougie it up, and we decide to hit the beach / hotel zone for one last fancy dinner.
There are again, no tables available without reservation at Jaguar, so we walk down the dirt road a bit and stumble across this giant supper club (name?). Super dimly lit (for class of course), tables upon tables of super good looking people pretending to live their best lives (kinda ironic how bad I’m shitting on influencers given that I’m currently making a living streaming and coaching chess!), the whole nine yards.
It’s a Japanese Mexican fusion resto, sushi and fancy dishes galore. I opt for a bowl of miso soup and some salmon, Deanna has the most eye popping dish with what they call Fireballs (deep fried crab cakes that they flambe with a torch table side).
A few of the customers are dancing next to their tables, music is loud and the vibes are good. Some excellent Wagyu beef tartar, I manage to avoid getting in on the bottle of wine and sip a sapporo, so my bill isn’t completely ridiculous.
The prettier girls dancing table side are handed sparklers by staff, definitely adding to the bouge factor, and they’re definitely easy on the eyes. We once again make the responsible decision to escape the beach / hotel zone before it gets too late and we are trapped there.
Convince Deanna and Ashley to join us for a last nightcap at the hostel bar, and then it’s hugs to the homies, have a safe trip back to Montreal. We all have early bus rides back to Cancun, where Jeff and I will depart to Huatulco, and Deanna and Ash will make their way home.
1) Ubitzya (aka Felix) is actually a total beaut, Chessbrah community always steps it up and I was surprised at how much fun it was to be sitting in the hostel bar just playing speed chess. Super happy to be a long time chess player, it was a bit sad to only be able to catch him on day two, dude was some sort of Eastern European + had a couple of days of freedom on the tail end of his trip with his hot wife (obvi showed mea picture of her) and pretty much stuck around / grabbed an air bnb next to the hostel just to catch me for some blitz. Very cool of him.
2) Got the Mexican Tinder wheels going, a bit hazy but think it was on night 3 that I had a couple of local girls drive in from downtown to the hotel zone to meet up with me. All was well until they tried to come into the hostel for a drink; apparently at Mayan Monkey Cancun, there’s a very early cutoff for outside guests; they didn’t have hostel bracelets and security was not keen on letting them in. Tried to rope them into the night’s adventures, but with a car, they had super ambitious plans to drive on to Playa Del Carmen where “the real party” was at… almost went with them, but was convinced by Jeff and the hostel crew that they were just going to take me down the street and get some corrupt Policia to rob me at gun point, so I shied away from that potential adventure. Got a text at 8am on Day 4 saying they were just coming back, apparently everyone is ok with driving drunk / high here.
3) To this point, every meal I’ve eaten has been at the Burrito Surf Shop. To be fair the burritos are good, but for fuck sakes there are only so many you can eat.
4) The Taxi drivers love me at this point, and I’ve never been in one since the airport. You can figure that one out.
5) Day 1 I tried to bring in a flat of brewskis from across the street, apparently not allowed to bring booze into Hostel rooms either, thanks for the heads up Jeffy. I did manage to sneak it my room. On one of the sloppier nights, there was a really cute girl who was just bawling her eyes out in the hallway, probably around midnight. I was on my way back down to the bar from my room, and ended up chucking a beer at her and asking if she was ok. Very sloppy honestly, at some point she flipped on me and told me she had a boyfriend, and pulled away to another common area… def kept the beer though. Hard to say if I said something wrong, I’d like to think my intentions were pure, but she was def cute and everyone was trashed, so I probably said something dumb. Oh well.
Day 4 (Tuesday, Jan 12, 2021):
This is the first day where I start to realize how sad travelling actually is. Imagine a condensed version of first year university where you meet a bunch of people, and then everyone leaves for the summer holidays… except they’re leaving forever and you’ll probably never see them again. Luca and Angie have become a steady Eddy couple, but night 3 was the last night for both fake Devon and Rammstein, it’s a super hazy hungover morning.
Rammstein is actually travelling around Mexico kite surfing with his mom, which is super cute, they’re obviously doing something right. Fake Devon is bouncing too and I actually don’t even get to catch him for a farewell, will have to run into him in a cornfield in Ohio or something, probably picking up some mad pussy because he looks like real Devon, genetics didn’t drop the ball on these guy’s looks. Actually uncanny what a doppelganger he was, he even wears the same stupid fucking jean jacket Devo loves.
It was also Deanna and Ashley’s last night at the Mayan Monkey. Dorm life wasn’t suiting these bougie ladies, so much in fact that even though they had a dorm room together with some strangers, Ashley was basically camped out in my room for the two previous nights. So much for my private room, fuck me am I right boys?
Anyways, Jeff has an appointment with a Mexican dentist to get his teeth whitened; apparently dentistry in Mexico is still a ripoff, but a ripoff at Mexican prices. Deanna, Ashley and I decide to get a bite somewhere other than the same burrito shop for the 12th time, so after saying farewell to our new homies, we roll down the strip back towards the club and restaurant zone.
We see a big sign for Mexican Hooters in the background, which I was super down for, but we end up settling for the first resto bar that we reach, right past a mini strip mall where buddy is trying to hawk us a million novelty Tee shirts.
The resto bar is called Fat Thursdays, and I can guarantee no one ever got fat eating there, because the food is fucking terrible. Deanna and I both order burgers, which she takes care to order without tomatoes or lettuce, and which is a waste of time because they don’t put anything on their burgers, ours come out the same. Cardboard style bread, the saddest patty you’ve ever seen in your life, and instead of bacon they basically layered a strip of Spam from a can, which is melted into the slice of Kraft cheese so you can’t even peel it off and bin it. “Bacon”. Also chucked an order of fries at me even though I didn’t ask for one.
Prior to the food arriving, I was introduced to my first “Extendo”; Deanna has gone missing, and Ashley is just pouring her beer over the railing of the bar and onto the street. I was looking at Ashley asking her what the fuck she was doing… and then I realize Deanna is on street level, catching the beer down a 4 foot drop or so in her mouth. Good stuff, the girls are still bringing the energy, I can get behind this.
Anyways, there’s a super scary moment during the meal, our chairs are basically bar stools, and at some point Deanna basically just straight up conks out and falls out of her chair. Zero chance that I have the reflexes to catch her / it was so sudden, she goes chair to ground in about half a second flat, KOed with eyes wide open, and I honestly think she’s dead. One of the best friends I’ve ever made, and this is how she goes out, food poisoned / roofied at some shitty Mexican bar?
I hop down next to her to check on her. My first though is it’s alcohol related so I turn her over onto her side because my only medical knowledge is to make sure she’s not drowning in her own puke, and I’m yelling at the staff to call an ambulance, cause I’m definitely not qualified to handle this.
All of a sudden she comes back to us. Thank fucking god, no one wants their last meal to be at Fat Thursdays. Doesn’t really know what’s going on at first, but she’s alive, we ask for some water… which we end up getting charged for on our bill at the end, pretty fucking ridiculous.
Novelty T shirt guy hasn’t left us alone the entire time we’ve been eating, and actually has an amazing T shirt for the moment: “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!”. Almost bought it but was a bit too shaken up.
Talking to Deanna afterwards, it turns out she didn’t take a sip of water the entire boat day prior. The sun has been beating us down the last few days, and it’s about 30 degrees out, so the stories checks out. It turns out the human body can’t survive on just alcohol, so we chalk it up to dehydration, and get the fuck out of the worst restaurant in Mexico.
Pretty lazy day for me, I’m just chilling at the bar waiting for Jeff to come back with his new chompers. Deanna and Ashley have gone about a twenty minute drive south down the hotel zone to check in to their room at the Westin, Jeffy comes back with no noticeable difference to his teeth (which the rest of us find hilarious and chirp heavily), and we all go for a fancy dinner at a restaurant called Harry’s Steakhouse.
On the one hand, fuck these bougie bitches; on the other hand, compared to the bottle and uh, taxi driver nights, this is a pretty cheap night out and we are getting some quality service. Deanna’s tartar and my Caesar salad get made table side, there’s an insanely hot girl rolling into the resto with what I can only assume is a Cartel boss (dressed the part, drove the part, dude obviously an animal).
I end up yoloing on Australian Onyx steak, which is cheaper than the Kobe beef on the menu, and it’s absolute money, one of the best I’ve had, and this is coming from an Alberta boy. Worth mentioning that Jeff asked for us to change tables about 4 times, the picky motherfucker, but all in all a pretty incredible Mexico dinner. Will attach some food pictures with this post.
The girls are still tuckered out, Jeff and I get back to the Monkey, and I have a German Tinder date that’s supposed to roll in. She looks fucking cute in the pictures too. But it’s late, she had just arrived the previous night at the “Party Fiesta Hostel” (seriously… Party Party Hostel? guaranteed no party there), and instead of a 1 on 1 she brought some additional warriors in, Browntown from Toronto and purple haired British dude. So no date, basically just party time.
I had learned from my bracelet fiasco with the Playa del Carmen bound ladies the last time, and managed to conjure bracelets for all 3 of them, we chilled with Jeff and a fun British couple, and got about 2 rounds of drinks in before we realized bar had made last call, at about 10pm, without telling any of us. I rolled across to the OXOX (basically Mexico’s 7-11 / dep) but they wouldn’t sell me anything. Still managed to rally the troops back to Jeffs room for a nightcap, a lot of fun chatting to these degenerates.
We blasted some music in the balcony room Jeff had complained his way into, and started slamming down his bottle of tequila. Turns out the British stereotypes are true, those kids absolutely love drugs. German girl too, apparently a European thing. Browntown and purple hair were Tulum bound, as were we, and we made tentative plans to meet up with them later on.
Leah (German girl) had just got into Mexico, and was going to do the “hot girl works in hostel bar part time for free room and board” thing. No sparks unfortunately, particularly given the group dynamic, but a really cool girl none the less. Jeff punted everyone out of his a room around 5am, I retired back to my room solo and too tired to even rub one out, wrapping up day 4.
Day 5:
Holy fucking hangover Batman. Jeff and I checked out of the Mayan Monkey; definitely a little sad to see it go. Check out time was supposed to be 11am, but we managed to drag our corpses out around 1pm and Jeff talked our way out any sort of sur charge; sometimes it pays to be a complainer.
We still had to strip our beds and hamper everything up, a fun perk of hostel life. Also worth mentioning that every day, I was leaving an American $5 in my tip envelope in the room. The house keeper was not just keeping my room clean, she was folding/hanging my clothes, set all my shoes up neatly, etc… honestly the greatest service of all time, for five bucks a day. Incredible how far the freedom dollar goes in some places.
Anyways, Jeff and I are Tulum bound later in the evening around 6pm, we have several hours to kill, so we pile over to the Westin where the girls are staying and drop our bags off. Pretty much what you’d expect for a beachside hotel: classier looking folks all around, and the rooms are cozy. We don’t waste much time in the room and head poolside, where I order the fattest burger I’ve ever seen in my life, looks like two half pound patties just loaded with toppings. That and a drink run me twenty USD but it’s money well spent, putting Fat Thursday’s to shame, and I manage to plow my way through it.
Deanna, Jeff, and Ashley are more musically inclined than I, and the girls waste no time in pumping some filthy gangster beats by the pool. Hands down the most ratchet shit I’ve ever heard come out of speakers before, lyrics involve a lot about wetness and they aren’t talking about water. Some straight up Diddy shit.
An American dad approaches Jeff and I while the girls are in the pool and ask us if we could respect the kids with regards to the music. We let him know that we have absolutely no control over the girls, and in fact, we barely know them.
He convinces the ladies to turn their trashy rap down a level, and eventually we pile onto the beach for a few hours for an absolutely miserable hangover day. The first three days in Mexico have been absolutely gorgeous, but today’s cold and overcast, perhaps a grim omen for our future adventure.
Manage to get thirty minutes of beer sweats and zero tanning in, and then it’s a rush for Jeff and I to the bus station; the girls will follow us to Tulum the next day. Bus ride is pretty nondescript, it’s about a two hour drive south to Tulum that I sleep through, and we arrive slightly more rested and hungry as balls.
Jeff and I have a condo / airbnb setup associated with Hostel Che. Before we check in, we hit a random restaurant, Encanto Cantina and mow down some “catch of the day” on pepperleaf. It’s Tilapia, soaked in some plantain, and fairly subpar, but tastes great in our famished state. Surpassing the food quality is the entertainment; one of the best live bands I’ve heard in a long time is playing. It’s just two guys, guitar/singer and bass, but they are absolutely shredding, alternating between US classic rock and Spanish songs. We stay for a cocktail (Bloody Mary, which is basically a shitty US version of a Caeasar), and then roll to the hostel to check in and grab our room keys.
By the time we get there it’s midnight, and they have our reservation all fucked up. We’re booked for an extra night in Tulum, they have us down for 3 guests instead of 2, and we are absolutely exhausted. We start getting into a greasy argument with the night shifter, but he eventually caves and tells us we can spend the night and sort things out in the morning.
Night shift guy ends up being a beauty, and brings some beers up to our flat for us to help keep the peace. We crush a couple with him and make small talk before he bounces back to his post.
I’m a pretty easygoing guy that gets along well with more sorts, and Jeff is a picky motherfucker always willing to start a fight over a minor detail. Definitely good to have both types on a trip to make sure we can actually get a room, without getting fleeced. The condo is honestly incredible (prob video to follow), about 19 steps up from the fucking hostel we were at before, and we KO reasonably satisfied with the accommodation.
Day 6:
At this point I need to do laundry desperately. My suitcase was half full of winter clothes from Calgary since the intention has been to come straight back to Montreal after this trip. I somehow came to Mexico with only two pairs of shorts, one of which I found out was missing the button. Absolute disaster.
We also need to get our room situation sorted out, and the day shift is equally useless as the night one at properly cancelling the final night of our stay. Definitely grumpy moods all around but we manage to get in touch with the insanely hot Argentinian manager, who sorts it out for us because, let’s get real, we’re still booked for six nights. That’s a lot of Pesos.
We slam a quick one at the hostel bar (across the street from our accommodations). It’s a fairly standard looking bar, adjacent to another shitty swimming pool that no one will ever use. The only thing of note is a Chez Serge style wheel of death (wheel to spin for “dares”, will get to that later).
We decide to hit the beach, even though it’s another overcast day with a high chance of rain. Manage to touch base with Mar (part of the Luca/ Asian / Angie crew from Cancun, really nice looking Columbian girl, probably mid thirties, dark hair, dark eyes, dark everything), so we hit the same beach as her hoping to link up.
It’s kind of a bitch to get out there, and we definitely get fleeced by the cab driver, but we roll up, and it turns out Tulum’s beaches are even more ridiculously beautiful than the Cancun ones. Sand is so white it could belong to the KKK, water a beautiful clear shade of blue… but the weather is shit, and the clouds are starting to roll in.
We manage to avoid paying to get onto the beach, by walking through a sit-down bar (cheap Jeffy strikes again!) where we have a laydown pool seat type thing, and an umbrella. The umbrella is clutch, because as we settle in, the sky just fucking opens up on us like Jesus is crying for our sins.
Encanto Cantina was our first taste of the jungle, with the restaurant bursting with big green ferns and Mayan / Jaguar, themed; our second taste is realizing why the rainforest is named as such. We still make our way down to the water, and I manage to dig out Mar from a nearby bar to join us for a drink, but it’s a bit of a lost cause with the weather just going to shit. Spoiler, it ends up raining for the next three days.
We get back to the hostel in the PM, after trying to stick it out at the beach for a couple of hours. Jeff is fairly tuckered out, but we end up sitting down in the hostel during happy hour, and slam a few drinks back.
The barmaids are all just absolute Argentinian beauties. The girls in Tulum are some of the hottest, bougiest girls we’ve seen in our lives. Everyone is here to travel and escape Covid lockdowns, Jeff and I are miles out of our league, and maybe it shows a little. Honestly, even the dudes out here are studs; it’s like all the attractive people in the world decided to congregate in one place. Probably to snap shots for their Instagram’s.
There are supposed to be drinking games at 9pm, so we stick it out, and it’s kind of like the Monkey in that we’re just chilling and doing our own thing, until this ginger surfer dude from California, John, makes an intro.
He’s managed to snag himself a Columbian girl, and they’ve been here longer than us, so we shoot the shit over drinks about what’s fun in the area. Pick up a couple of random friends, including this black dude who just can’t wipe a huge smile off his face, obviously having the time of his life. I want what he’s having.
Barmaid comes over with a bottle of tequila and is just pouring it down our throats. We don’t realize it, but this means we’re obligated to play the first drinking game, which is an adult version of musical chairs. We’re recruited into the game with no mercy. I have girls on both sides of me so I let my guard down, and I’m one of the first two people eliminated. Didn’t even fucking sign up to play, and I find out that when you lose, you’re spinning the wheel of death.
Swap clothes, strip on the bar, chug a beer in ten seconds, take a shot; honestly, everything would have been fine. But my wheel lands on “Blow Job / Boob Shot”. I have to pick a girl who’s playing, to take a shot from a glass with my mouth from between her tits.
Which would be awesome in about an hour, but we have a bunch of sober tourists in the rain, who have all been sullenly dragged in to play a game of musical chairs, and it’s looking roughhhh. The barmaids have all joined into the game, so I pick the cute Argentinian that I swapped a few words with thinking it would be a safe bet, since fuck, they forced us to play the game in the first place.
She ends up making a big deal out of it, says she has no tits, and throws on a covid mask for good measure. I’d be happy to take five shots just to avoid the awkwardness. Jesus, I didn’t ask for this, you guys basically forced me to do it, show some enthusiasm for your own game.
Wasn’t going to ask anyone else after all the complaining she did, but she knows she has to for the sake of the game, and eventually we get the titty shot over with. I sit on the sidelines for a bit watching, then end up going back to the room for a few minutes just to reset.
Was a little frustrated with the fact she basically forced me to play, and then wasn’t happy with me picking her… was more then fine sitting in my chair having a couple brews to get warmed up first. She had asked if I wanted to pick another girl (aka a tourist) and I flat out told her that if she shot me down as a barmaid there was no way in hell another girl was going to be ok with it. Definitely fired me up a bit, not to mention donning the mask for the titty shot like I came straight from Wuhan… Jesus.
Managed to avoid having that spoiling my night, returned to the bar after a room beerski and the game has disintegrated. Ginger Johnny was ready to hit the town with a ragtag crew, and I should also mention that Yuri, this tall Ukranian-American homie that I’d seen at the monkey in Tulum, but not really interacted with, was squadded up with us and ready to fucking go.
Jeff was bagged and retired back to the room, so I was once again with a bunch of new friends, Tulum edition. John’s girl and her friend had a party in mind, so we set off into the town for my first proper Tulum experience.
One of our first stops was this fucking super sketchy bar/club. It was basically locked into a metal fence and the “dance floor” was gravel. Literally gravel. All of us alternating between buying rounds of shots, we were waiting for the girls to go find this house party that never materialized. They came back for us, and we ended up going to another bar on the street. A great fucking bar, and I say that because that’s where I met Mariangel.
Man I was fucking drunk. We basically did a Tulum pub crawl, 4 dudes, two girls, and ended up at this open bar on the street corner, no idea what it was called. Low lights in the interior of the dingy tavern, two roads just full of people, no cars. Downtown Tulum hot spot.
Blackie is grinning and telling us about this massively degenerate club, named Sports Bar, right across the street. It’s clearly not a sport’s bar, but we will get to that later. We’re getting wasted and talking to John’s pimp-daddy hat wearing Mexican homie, pink feathers and all. God damn, what a hat. To top it off, there are a couple of super cute girls just next to us at the bar, and as I’m finally properly lubricated from the day’s drinking, I mosey over and strike up a convo.
The girls are gorgeous and from Costa Rica. Some combination of bleached blonde and natural brunette hair, Maria really is a fucking angel, but somehow my easy going nature and sense of humor carry the conversation long enough for magic to happen.
Apparently in Costa everything is in lockdown as well, and everyone is just trying to escape to enjoy basic freedom. She admits she felt some butterflies seeing me, and thinks I’m really cute. I avoid fumbling, and the chat leads into some kissing; hey, fuck, this is the Mexico I was promised!
The crew gets scattered at some point; the girls are trying to get back home, so I pull some Insta’s before their departure. I really need to get a better name for Blackie, but he’s rolling face, pupils just filling his eyeballs right up, and he’s ready to send Sport’s Bar round 12 or something where his last 12 brain cells can finally end their suffering. We wish the brave soldier luck, and all of a sudden, Yuri and I find ourselves alone for a final nightcap.
Have a good chat with the lad, and we roll back towards the hostel. We find ourselves a couple of bags of trouble back on the strip, and I was going to bring him back for a nightcap at Jeff and my place, but the nightman makes it weird with some homosexual insinuations, and we opt to skip the nightcap and nose beers.
Yuri retires back to his crib with plans to go even harder the next day, and filled with boundless energy from a completely unknown source, I compound it with another… interesting decision and some company before passing out myself. Fun times.
Day 7:
Deanna and Ashley are finally inbound from Cancun, ready to tear it up again after a bougie reset. What a fucking hangover. I think I got out of bed at like 1 pm, but hey, life could be worse. I met an absolute dime who likes me back, and we’re in Mexico escaping lockdown alongside some of my best friends in the world. Just living the dream!
I manage to get all my shit to the laundromat, and pay extra to have it finished same day. I can tell you hands down there’s nothing better than clean clothes when you’ve been travelling in filth for the past week.
I also set tentative dinner plans with Maria; ask if her friend likes Yuri, who put in some work the previous night with me, or would prefer to meet a new guy (had Jeff in mind); as a CR hustler her friend wanted me to bring both dudes to see who she liked best (not to mention, twice the wallets). Reminds me of a great meme, The Lion, The Witch, and The Audacity of That Bitch.
Link up with Deezy and Ashley around 5pm for some drinks after they check into their penthouse, but the girls are definitely a little worn out from the trip down. Jeffy has a connection in Tulum from the last time he was here, and makes plans to link up with them near the beach zone at a fancy restaurant called Jaguar. But the reso is for the 3 girls and Jeff, so we need to figure shit out.
Deanna and Ashley seemed keen to wine and dine it up, and I have CR girls on the line and Yuri’s Whats-App, so we make plans for everyone to link in the hostel and go out for dinner and dranks. Of course it doesn’t work like that.
By the time Yuri gets to the hostel bar, Deanna and Ashley are already headed home to “change” (spoiler: they bailed, cowards!). Jeff takes a solo taxi to his friends place, from where she will drive him to dinner later. But quitters aside, MY BOY! Yuri shows up, the CR ladies show up, and because the lovely girls are able to hablo espanol, we get a decent deal on the cab down to the beach zone.
The road into the beach zone for Tulum was not intended for this many people; I’m pretty sure no one knew Tulum existed five years ago. Now, it’s the spot where hipsters are no longer hip, and crowded with a flood of douchebag “influencers”.
Taxi ride in is an awful crawl, and we can’t even get the radio to work. I’m in the front seat looking back at Yuri and the girls trying to make convo, and it’s all a little forced. But there’s no real stress, I’m hanging with new, chill people, and good times are certainly ahead.
Jeff’s reso is for 8:30PM at Jaguar for four with no seats for us, and it’s really tempting to steal it from them. Hello, yes, my name is Jeff! Beautiful looking beachfront resto, and they give us the option of chilling in the bar for 45 minutes before seats opened up (we opted not to steal their reso), but we said fuck it, and took a trek down the road in hunt of another resto.
A little ways down the road we find a decent Vietnamese Mexican fusion resto just down the street. We decide to roll it out tapas style, and share four dishes and some cocktails. Tuna dish is on point. Turns out fish directly from the ocean is unreal. Curry and pad thai are pretty average, and Maria orders some kind of taco meat bowl, which I guess was ok. The spring rolls were fire though.
We had originally planned to meet up with Jeff and crew at Jaguar, but we quickly realize that the whole beach zone was going to be a quagmire of tourists getting stuck; the literal definition of a tourist trap.
Side note: Jeff had a little adventure of his own that night. He got stranded at a house where the girl he was making out with had her boyfriend come home unexpectedly, and spent the rest of the night with him. There was literally no way he could escape the house until the next day due to the traffic, it looks like our prediction was spot on.
Yuri and I chop the bills (I can’t exaggerate what a beauty / wing he was; Maria’s friend was being a sarcastic jerk with him for most of the night, but he stuck it out for me) and we pile back to the bar where we all first met on the street corner. A hula hoop chick is putting on a show, whipping blazing hoops around her, and we rock some shitty dance moves to the background music while seated in between pockets of chat.
Maria and Paz are grade school teachers from CR. I poke around with some fun banter about who the biggest shit disturbers in their classes are, and overall it’s a fun time.
Honestly, Maria is definitely a total sweetheart. Some nice kissing, sparks flying, and the girls bought a few rounds of drinks for us at the bar. I thought it was a classy way of showing us some appreciation for the dinner, which didn’t end up running us too bad. Sadly would be the last time seeing them, because they were bouncing back to Cancun the next day, and then CR.
Fuck eh, a little travel romance never hurt anyone. Probably could have tried harder to close, but in those situations it doesn’t really seem to matter much… just nice to meet someone cool, and share a special moment or two worth remembering like that. Maybe I’ll stop by CR on the way home… fucking travelling. You meet people, and then it’s an abrupt goodbye, but hey, you never know, might see some of these legends again one day.
Yuri and I slam a brewski back at the crib to close out the night and shoot the shit. The dude is a Ukranian animal from Seattle. He is bouncing on Sunday (Monday?), two days from this night basically. Tragic, the kid is a fackin beauty, but we make plans to rally my crew for a final degenerate send the next day, part ways, and call er a night.
Brando's Rambles 